A day off...

Today I took the day off. Tony was off and I just needed a day to be with him and get a few things done. I woke up at 6:30am automatically because my body is so used to it and decided to get up and use it to work on the wedding favors. (which finally got done today! Hours of work!) I took a quick morning walk with Alfie because it always helps me wake up. I love the early morning feeling in the air- wakes me right up! After having some MickyD's pancakes for breakfast we then went and checked the trolley, yes, trolley, for the wedding. We are defiantly going with it. We love it and Alfie is allowed to ride in it with us! Ran some errands, ate some boulder creek, shopped at target, and got some ice cream and are now home relaxing. The day is fading already! I bought a punch of flower seeds to plant on my day off on Saturday. I am SO EXCITED to get planting! I hope it is nice out on Saturday!! But I heard it is supposed to rain :( I am really excited to plant the sunflower seeds we bought...I hope they grow! We'll see. I found that the plants I grew last year regrew! I was so happy- but sad because they are now under the new deck we have by our front door. I wish I remembered to move the plants before we built the deck!
So I always try to look objectively about getting married, because I have seen some terrible marriages in my life and do not ever want to end up in one. I have came to the conclusion that the only terrible thing I can think of about marrying Tony is that I am afraid something bad will happen to one of us one day and one of us will have to continue on without the other. But I know I can't think of that now. It's too sad. I hope we live a long, long, long, happy life together. (with alfie!) It's amazing how much the two of us enjoy each other’s company. We love days off together! It's just absolutely ridiculous...if we always continue enjoying each other’s company like this we will always be okay. :) All in all, a happy day!

lets hurt the bride...

Is it true that when we are supposed to be at our happiest that is when others are always trying to bring us down??

I think so.

ETA: So- a few days later I am editing this. I still believe this, but it is true for most people but not all. Just wanted to clear that up.

Stress be gone

Seems all I ever get done anymore is work. I go to work- I come home and work- I work on my day off at my other job- and in the evenings I work on wedding planning. Everything seems to feel like work latley. Even things I am supposed to be enjoying. I want to enjoy every aspect of what I am doing but it is hard for me, I am one of those stressed out kind of people. Things need to be done perfectly or else I am not happy. If people are bitches around me...I get upset.
I finally took a nice relaxing bath after my second job yesterday. It was the nicest 20 minutes I've had in a long time. Though I do get to go out with friends and colleagues it still seems like work to me most of the time. Socializing, talking, thinking... work. My de-stressor latley is walking with my pup and my bub around the neighborhood. Which I enjoy...we always notice something new, find something interesting to talk about... or just simply stay quiet and take in the outside. But my bath was nice. Quiet, different. Felt like I was really taking care of myself. Other than flooding my bathroom, it was great. I used a new sea salt scrub and then decided to paint my finger and toe nails pink- also unusual. And it lasted a whole 3 hours until I decided to pick up my bass guitar. (Another joyful experience latley). Maybe life isn't so bad afterall. I think I was just looking to the negatives instead of accentuating the positives. I am going to try to relax more often. Stop focusing on all of the negatives. Whatever happen around me happens. I am going to change my outlook. I dont care what happens in the world around me- the jealous and assonon people around me can do as they please- I will ignore you and go on singing my happy tune. You don't want me there- good- I don't want to be there. You will no longer get me down. Wedding planning-almost done! There is wonderful lights at the end of the tunnel! I cannot wait for that great day...5/25/08. I will focus on what makes me happy- what makes me me. Forget all the rest! Like good ol' Bing and the Andrew sisters said....
Accentuate the positive-Eliminate the negative- Forget about your worries and your strife.

overview of past life

she's moving in
No
You have no say
No?
She's here...who cares what you say
Go away
Loads and loads of crap
garbage
crack

boards on doors
locks all over

yelling
the smells
the cars driving by
screams
cops
cops
fights
hammers
hitting
more cops
every other day cops
i'm going to kill you...
nothing that we can do.

get her outta here!
No
Please?
can't.
cries
yells
sobs
please? help.
HELP!
sorry

quiet for a day
yells through the floors

daddy help?
open your eyes?

NO.
christmas passes
birthdays
holidays

still the same.

yelling
fighting
hitting
drug selling
cops do you have eyes to see?

get her outta here!

we see
cant do a thing.

sister gets involved
help?
fights
screams
cops

everything gone
outta the house
truck smashed

new home
no phone calls
everything gone

bitch is gone
everything is gone

money...
need money...
need to keep the house...

a phone call?
hello.
try to help
I am there for him
daddy?
(uses me)

gone when something better comes along.
dirtbag friends

no more calls
craziness
sadness
sickness

sadness.

trying to heal

Once in a while

It's that time of the year again, it's chilly outside.

When I think of your kisses
I'm still gonna smile
I'm still gonna miss you
Once in a while

Once in a while I'll wake up
Wondering why we gave up
But once in a while
Comes and it fades away

Good things keep moving ahead
I'm tired of dying
I'm living instead


-Once in a While-Half the Perfect World-Madeleine Peyroux

7/25/2007

Went to Blockbuster and bought a bunch of used movies today. Today was the first time I have watched a movie in about 6 months. I watched "Man of the Year". I liked it, you should watch it.

I haven't made any wedding plans as of yet. I am getting worried about how late it is getting to book a place. I can't make a decision, do not have much money to spend (paying for it ourself), and feel overwhemled with it all. (What's New). I wish my mother would be there for me and help me out just a little tiny bit. It would be great.
At times like these when I would like to spend money on myself I get upset about the decision I've made in the past.


as it is it will be.
till then.

To the Future:

There are many times in my life that the future seems blurry. A few things latley have became pretty stable, and I am beginning to really love that feeling. Not everything is stable....but more is stable in my life now then has ever been before. I have decided that I am going to start writing again. Sometimes daily jibber jabber that may be on my mind, sometimes more important things. I would love to start a book about the past two years of my life, the craziness, the troubles, the heartache, the maddness, tears, and few glimps of happiness, but I am not sure if I am capable of rekindling those memories and emotions yet. I may try, but it might not happen for a long while. But I will. Maybe. Because without those events known, nobody knows me. I only know one person that truly knows me. I am lucky I even have that person, but sometimes I think "hey, maybe it would be nice if my "friends" and "co-workers" really knew my past and what my life is all about". Then I remember how hard it will be to explain it all to them. And then how different they will look at me in the end. So I don't care to share. I just smile and say "yeah everything is great, my weekend wonderful, my family unbelievable, my childhood so happy" and they smile back thinking wow she is just like me, she is so nice, normal, happy. And I die a little inside knowing that there has been one more person that believed my lies and not looked more into it. I am what I portray, I just leave a few major details out.
I am trying to relax and get things off my chest. I am finally at a point where I am almost finished with school, love my job and love my new little family (alf, pop, and me). I want to take vacations, explore, and take pictures. I enjoy writing on this blog, not just because it gets things off my chest, but because I am in hopes that there is someone out there that reads it, and also feels the same. A person that will no longer feel so alone because there is someone out there like them. It cures me to know someone might be reading, to that person I am writing to you. Though I don't know why; writing just for myself doesn't do it for me.

Until then.

Who says Librarians aren't cool. Read this NY Times article about the "new hip librarians".

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08librarian.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&en=60020e0dbfef307b&ex=1184472000&emc=eta1