beauty

So I visited this beautiful State Park today called Indian Island and it made me happy.

I love nature, water and taking pictures. I am thinking of visiting more parks soon-any takers??


:) So check out some of my work at www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com


thats all I have to say for today. thankyou.

i am suffocating and feel like i cannot breathe. My soul is crying and looking for an escape. People tell me that I should get over it, stay safe, what I feel is wrong. Who the fuck are you to tell me that what I want, feel is wrong?

You butt into my business. Force me to let you read letters that are addressed to me. You use me living here as a way to control me. "Give it to me or get out of MY HOUSE!" I am not allowed to have privacy. My opinions are yours. I am trapped and must ask permission if I want to go out. I am not a baby. On the opposite side I must baby you. You are not strong enough to handle truth. I must hold your hand, make final decisions and lead the way. I am twisted and turned. A play thing that does not want to be played. Give me my space. I see I must leave.

I may go back to school but before I settle in I must live a little. Get away, see a new place. Without any of you.

Love that seems true suffocates me too. I do not know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid. Afraid I am fooling myself. Afraid of being unhappy in ten years. I have always been the one to tame others, you want to tame me. I do not think I am crazy enough to tame. Responsible and staight laced all my life- how am I to be tamer. I have an imagination which I enjoy. Do you want to laugh and throw rocks and kill that too? I am stupid and I want to learn. I want to see and feel. You are tamer then I and I do not know if this is good to me.

Routine is killing me. FUCK ROUTINE!!!!
I sit and smile and nod my head yes. I cry inside silently while my soul is slowly dying.

I know I might be following a dream. I might even be following something that will hurt me, did hurt me. Might be a lie. But through my eyes right now my mind is screaming who cares and get the fuck out of here!

It might be forever, it might be only a few days. I might come back changed or come back the same. Either way it is only what seems right. So I dream big.... so I may be screwed up. So what I am doing might be wrong? But who's to say so? Who's to know unless I try?

Please do not hate me. Please trust me and let me try.



I would say I am sorry, but I don't know if I really am.

is love?

is love saying it ten times a day? Does repeating it over and over again really enforce the love or is it trying to prove to yourself that you love somebody?

Maybe real love is unspoken?

meaning of life

I feel that there is a point to life. A reason why we are all here. What the point is exactly I do not yet know, but I know there is one. Life is not to be wasted. Nor to be taken too lightly or seriously.

I feel that life should contain productivity. A person should have goals, either short term or long term. People should use sleep as a means of recharging so that when they wake they can function to the fullest. Have clear open eyes to see the world through. Too many people abuse sleep and use it as a way to not deal with life. They miss so much sleeping it a way. It's a waste.

I like to have something to do each day. Whether it is to go to work to make some money, cook a delicious meal, take a walk, read another chapter in a book, write something meaningful, clean out a closest or get a few great shots while taking a drive. I like to know that my day hasn't gone to waste. I like to feel a sense of accomplishment.

Maybe it's me. I know maybe people feel differently about life. There are so many ways to live life. Who's to say that what I think is best other than me?

Love to the extreme. Feel. Feel all things good and bad. Open your heart knowing their is about 100% chance you'll be hurt and accept it. Say nice things and try to say less bad.

Be honest with yourself and other people. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Try to see the good in people. Try to see life through other peoples eyes. But know that they say what they mean and mean what they say-do not put your feeling onto them, because everybody is different and feels different things. Sees things in different ways.

Find connections and try not to loose them. There are very few people in life that you will find great connections with. Keep them.

Know that everything you come into contact with changes you-makes you who you are. Accept it, enjoy it. Be aware of it. Experience life to the fullest. Keep your eyes and heart open. Your head on. Enjoy it.







Because who knows what their is after death.

i live under a rock

I realize that I don't have much common knowledge. And most of the time I am unsure of what certain words mean when I am reading something and it bothers me. So recently I have been a big fan of my pocket thesaurus and my online dictionary. Sometimes it really pleases me to find out what certain words mean.

weird hobby huh? Well, I am trying to crawl out from under my rock. Sad and pathetic I know.




For example: Charm: it's a word commonly used and known. But the meaning of the word is so pleasing that I think people take for granted what a complement it is to be called charming.

the definition:
The power or quality of pleasing or delighting; attractiveness: a breezy tropical setting of great charm.
A particular quality that attracts; a delightful characteristic: A mischievous grin was among the child's many charms.
A small ornament, such as one worn on a bracelet.
An item worn for its supposed magical benefit, as in warding off evil; an amulet.
An action or formula thought to have magical power.
The chanting of a magic word or verse; incantation.
Physics. A quantum property of the charm quark whose conservation explains the absence of certain strange-particle decay modes and that accounts for the longevity of the J particle.

To attract or delight greatly: the simple elegance of the meal charmed the guests.
To induce by using strong personal attractiveness: charmed the guard into admitting them without invitations.
To cast or seem to cast a spell on; bewitch.

To be alluring or pleasing.
To function as an amulet or charm.
To use magic spells

annoyance

People annoy me. All types of people. Friends, old friends, people I hardly know, basically know and really know. Strangers I wait on. They all have a way of pushing my buttons.

More people annoyed me today then usual.

So, people are annoying and thats about all i have to say today. So thanks for your time :)

old stuff found

You only wish you could still love me
touch me
kiss me
be here for me
You can now only dream that I would still be here when you came back to your original home.
How long did you think I would wait?
How long would I long for happiness?
In your eyes I used to find peace-
Now they are just empty.
Good luck with your love
your kisses
and your touch
Enjoy your dreams and do not fret
I am happy.

stuck

So I am stuck. I am stuck in this pain. In this not knowing what to think or feel. I feel numb. Then all at once my feelings over power me. I sit, I cannot get anything done. I work and I sit here. There are moments of normalcy then I am alone again. Once again frozen.

I decided to try something new. I will force myself to get things done. To work a lot, to clean. I am going to start reading during all my free time that way I am wrapped up in another world, not my own. I will no longer cry myself to sleep at night, instead stay up all night and read or clean. If I read myself to sleep so that I will not be thinking about my life before bed.

Sad I feel like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could take advice and just let it be, not care, see what plays out- but I guess that just isn't me. I wish it could be.

And to be honest I have no clue of what I really want. I never truly had a relationship with him anyway. I'm the one dreaming that we can have a healthy relationship which never was. I never thought this would affect me in this way.

Pretending to be happy just isn't me anymore. I am tired of it- so this is the new true me. Do you like it?

am i crazy or deceived

is it all in my head or was it all a lie


i'll never know


this seems to be the theme of my life-- i feel this way about everything.

everythings a blurr.