stuck

So I am stuck. I am stuck in this pain. In this not knowing what to think or feel. I feel numb. Then all at once my feelings over power me. I sit, I cannot get anything done. I work and I sit here. There are moments of normalcy then I am alone again. Once again frozen.

I decided to try something new. I will force myself to get things done. To work a lot, to clean. I am going to start reading during all my free time that way I am wrapped up in another world, not my own. I will no longer cry myself to sleep at night, instead stay up all night and read or clean. If I read myself to sleep so that I will not be thinking about my life before bed.

Sad I feel like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could take advice and just let it be, not care, see what plays out- but I guess that just isn't me. I wish it could be.

And to be honest I have no clue of what I really want. I never truly had a relationship with him anyway. I'm the one dreaming that we can have a healthy relationship which never was. I never thought this would affect me in this way.

Pretending to be happy just isn't me anymore. I am tired of it- so this is the new true me. Do you like it?