i am suffocating and feel like i cannot breathe. My soul is crying and looking for an escape. People tell me that I should get over it, stay safe, what I feel is wrong. Who the fuck are you to tell me that what I want, feel is wrong?

You butt into my business. Force me to let you read letters that are addressed to me. You use me living here as a way to control me. "Give it to me or get out of MY HOUSE!" I am not allowed to have privacy. My opinions are yours. I am trapped and must ask permission if I want to go out. I am not a baby. On the opposite side I must baby you. You are not strong enough to handle truth. I must hold your hand, make final decisions and lead the way. I am twisted and turned. A play thing that does not want to be played. Give me my space. I see I must leave.

I may go back to school but before I settle in I must live a little. Get away, see a new place. Without any of you.

Love that seems true suffocates me too. I do not know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid. Afraid I am fooling myself. Afraid of being unhappy in ten years. I have always been the one to tame others, you want to tame me. I do not think I am crazy enough to tame. Responsible and staight laced all my life- how am I to be tamer. I have an imagination which I enjoy. Do you want to laugh and throw rocks and kill that too? I am stupid and I want to learn. I want to see and feel. You are tamer then I and I do not know if this is good to me.

Routine is killing me. FUCK ROUTINE!!!!
I sit and smile and nod my head yes. I cry inside silently while my soul is slowly dying.

I know I might be following a dream. I might even be following something that will hurt me, did hurt me. Might be a lie. But through my eyes right now my mind is screaming who cares and get the fuck out of here!

It might be forever, it might be only a few days. I might come back changed or come back the same. Either way it is only what seems right. So I dream big.... so I may be screwed up. So what I am doing might be wrong? But who's to say so? Who's to know unless I try?

Please do not hate me. Please trust me and let me try.



I would say I am sorry, but I don't know if I really am.