never wish for anything more

This is old. I found it while cleaning out my room. But I liked reading it, therefore I'll post it.

When I want to think about our love
or my love that is
all I have to do is think about
the day he feel asleep on the
couch with me in his arms
while I was
exploring him.
I can be frozen in that moment
in time forever
and never wish for anything more.

a love letter

I miss you. I no longer feel like sleeping. eh. Hope you are sleeping tight. I love you and miss you. And just wanted to tell you. I want to feel your warm body next to mine. I want to be home. Sometimes, when I have such a great night with you like I did tonight it knocks my socks off because I forget sometimes how easy it is with you. I hope you know how much I love you. Even though sometimes lately it kind of hurts for me to give or recieve love with all of this going on at my house (sometimes I realize it affects me more then I think when I really think about it). But I do love you. And I wish I could have it in me to show it to you more often.

Your love. and I love you.


love your babe

feeling something and its personal-but I choose to post like it's therapy to me.

No day but today but look to tomorrow

So I listened to Christmas music for about ten hours today. That's a lot of Christmas music. But I must say I enjoyed it. They started playing Christmas music three days before thanksgiving at my job. Today not only did I hear it for eight hours at work, but I have been listening to the Christmas music station in my car as well. I drove a lot today. It has put me in this happy go lucky, winter is coming, shopping mood. I sing to it. I smile. We all sing together, me and my co-workers that is. And it makes me feel close to them. We, me and my boyfriend, and it makes me feel close to him.

I had a great night tonight. It was nice to have such an enjoyable night after working five days straight. Now I get to have my big two days off- so much to do so little time. But I am looking forward to going into Manhattan on Wednesday. I miss it there. And I hope to have some time to go shooting, and that always puts a smile on my face.

So my friend is having some problems with her boyfriend. I gave her advice, it is so easy to give advice. Through the years sometimes I wish I listened to my own advice. She deserves the world. She is an amazing girl and I wish she knew this. I hope she realizes.

I hope she can see that you can only deal with so much. Some people have problems that are just too big for one person to solve. I do not mean give up, but just take a step back and let the person figure them out on there own. Do not let it set you back in your own happiness. Listen to me, what do I know, I am embarrassed about lots of things that have happened to me in my past. So I guess I can say I live from experience, but I have made so many mistakes that what are my words of wisdom worth? Everyone has to make their own decisions and then learn from them.

Nothing anyone can say right now can bring me down, no not even you, so just don't even bother trying. I am happy and no one else can be this good to me. There is no one else that deserves what I have to give.

"What a waste of unconditional love, on someone that doesn't care about that stuff"

Little Joys

Little joys are what I try to focus on these days
Sometimes thats all I have left
Simple pleasures
Rain, love, snow
Little Wonders
Feelings, crying, learning something new
With so much sadness and pain
When I am stuck in a rut or blue
This is all I have to fall back on
Something as effortless as a strangers smile
Or as innocent as a child's laugh
Can keep me feeling alive and new
A good song or a long drive
I want to be happy
I try to be happy
I have so much to be happy about
But things like a dead end job
a fight, a put down
Can ruin my day
And I have to fight to feel, to stay alive
So this is all I have left, and I guess all I need
So please little joys don't leave me.

Too tired to be creative

So here is something not from me today:


"To Days Of Inspiration, Playing Hookey, Making Something Out Of Nothing, The Need To Express - To Communicate, To Going Against The Grain, Going Insane, Going Mad

To Loving Tension, No Pension To More Than One Dimension, To Starving For Attention, Hating Convention, Hating Pretension, Not To Mention Of Course, Hating Dear Old Mom And Dad

To Riding Your Bike, Midday Past The Three Piece Suits- To Fruits - To No Absolutes- To Absolut - To Choice- To The Village Voice- To Any Passing Fad To Being An Us - For Once- Instead Of A Them-

To Hand-Crafted Beers Made In Local Breweries To Yoga, To Yogurt, To Rice And Beans And Cheese To Leather, To Dildos To Curry Vindaloo To Huevos Rancheros And Maya Angelou

Emotion Devotion, To Causing A Commotion, Creation, Vacation-Mucho Masturbation, Compassion, To Fashion, To Passion When It's New, To Sontag, To Sondheim, To Anything Taboo, Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham And Cage, Lenny Bruce, Langston Hughes, To The Stage

To Uta, To Buddha, Pablo Neruda, Too

Why Dorothy And Toto Went Over The Rainbow To Blow Off Auntie Em

Bisexuals, Trisexuals, Homo Sapiens Carcinogens, Hallucinogens, Men, Pee Wee Herman German Wine, Turpentine, Gertrude Stein Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa Carmina Burana

To Apathy, To Entropy, To Empathy, Ecstasy Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC To No Shame, Never Playing The Fame Game

To Marijuana! To Sodomy It's Between God And Me To S & M

To Dance! No Way To Make A Living, Masochism, Pain, Perfection, Muscle Spasm, Chiropractors, Short- Careers, Eating Disorders

Film- Adventure, Tedium, No Family, Boring Locations, Dark Rooms, Perfect Faces, Egos, Money, Hollywood And Sleaze

Music-Food Of Love, Emotion, Mathematics, Isolation, Rhythm, Feeling, Power, Harmony, And Heavy Competition

Anarchy-Revolution, Justice, Screaming For Solutions, Forcing Changes, Risk, And Danger Making Noise And Making Pleas

To Faggots, Lezzies, Dykes, Cross Dressers Too

To Me
To Me
To Me

To You, And You And You, You And You"

Life as I know it

I step out of my life and look back at it
I see a roller coster behind me
There are fast turns
gaping drops
at times there are no warnings.
I can see a drop coming
I have a moment to reflect as I make my way up
hear the cranking
I cringe, I freak, get a knot in my stomach
but there is no escaping the drop that is coming.
then there are those unexpected turns
I have no control, I have no choices
I go with the flow since I have no other option
So here I go back on my ride called life
really having no choices
no forewarnimg about whats around each turn
but back on I go
I buckle myslef down
close my eyes and grab hold
and think to myself "well here it goes"




fuck I hate rollercosters

Gray Power

Old people have something to say. I stopped smiling and nodding, stopped treating them like they all have Alzheimer's or are just old bags not able to function in the world today. I've done this for years having no use for them, but I have started valuing what they have to say. Asking questions. Having conversations with them.

I come across so many retired people in my community every day by waiting on them and I started to think, why am I not taking advantage of this? So I talk to them. I find out about where they are from, what they are like, and about their everyday life.

My two little old ladies that have English accent and wear home made sweaters. They are so sweet and nice to talk to. All of my regulars that I know their order by heart, they like to spend their time relaxing and reading. It makes such a difference to them when you stop and ask them what their book is about. They will then go on and on about their book, their children, their grandchildren, their belated husband or wife. You learn why they are alone. What happened to their family or friends. Sometimes my customers become friends and start talking to each other after seeing each other everyday. Eating alone, enjoying time with yourself is wonderful, but sometimes they are lonley. When I make their day by complementing the sweater they made or talking about the book they are reading, it makes me feel great.

I like to know what they have been through. Or their advice on life, love or careers. I value their opinions. What they think of the world, politics, and what they valued throughout life. I think about how I too will hopefully be their age one day. Full of knowledge and life experience. Latley when I have a bad day or I think things can't possible get any worse- I think about all of the things these people have been through in their 80 or 90 years of life. How many times have they thought "Can life get any worse then this?" "Maybe this time I won't be able to get through this." But they get through it. They survive.

I think about how easy it is to adapt to things in life. How quickly a person gets used to a new environment, a loss of a lover or a friend. How new people can come into your life so fast and how fast we can grow close to them. How fast things can change or be forgotten. Life goes on. Things change, people change, feelings are lost. A person's memory reminds them of the life they led. It's important to remember but their is a time to cut the memory loose and carry on. Most of the time a person will never get the feeling back again or may never come back into contact with a person like the one they loved again... but their will be other feelings to feel, other lovers to love, other friends to meet.

Their are so many chapters to life. Life is so long but it goes by so fast. Think of what it must feel like to be 90, looking back on 90 years of life. How accomplished a person must feel. Think about the regrets. One day I too want to be 90. Know their can still be 15 more years to go, but death could be around the corner any day. I want to feel it, remember the heartaches of life but also the little joys that I had. Everyday is a blessing and I will do all I can to be the best personI can be. I want to take in all I can from life and hopefully when I am 90 I will be satisfied.

I am writing this for me, not for you. So don't even think that for even one moment.

I used to write and stopped out of laziness. When I would write my thoughts would flow quicker then my hand was able to write and that pissed me off. I thought about tape recording my thoughts but that would mean saying them outloud and someone might have had the chance of hearing me. Plus thinking outloud sort of defeats the point of a thought, which is personal.

Also, I thought to myself, why waste my time? I'll never want to re-listen to my thoughts again. It's a one time thing. Think it, think about it then move on. So tape recording would be a waste of my time and money (tapes, tape recorder). But latley I have begun thinking a whole lot again and have decided that it might be self gratifying to start writing down my thoughts again, since some thoughts actually seem pretty significant. This time trying to slow down my thought process, clearly writing it and understanding it. Taking it all in. I'll give it a try, though I have no clue how long it will last.

So that is what this blog is about. Random thoughts-for me, by me. I haven't decided if I am going to share this with anyone else yet. Sometimes people need secrets of their own. A secret is something that can either keep a person sane or make them completley insane. So we'll see where this goes. If you happen to stumble upon this by all means enjoy it, I guess there is a reason I decided to post this on the internet.

(oh, and F.Y.I. all the images posted on here will be by me unless otherwise noted. So there's no taking credit for them buddy!)

breaking a habit

When I was a little girl I had this amazing ability to see good in some of the worst people.

Unfourtunatly I still have this ability.

I say unfourtunatly because recently I am tired of seeing good in people that do not exactly have much good inside. I put my feelings on people, I give them a warm heart, a conscience, a decent soul-some of which they do not possess.

I try to stop. You have to take people for what they show you they are. Look no futher. I guess I am a "searcher". I am slowly learning, but it's hard to break a habit that I've had since I can remember. And believe me, I remember a whole lot, back a long time.