goodbye 2005

So its about five and a half hours before it's a brand spanking new year. 2005 has brought a few good times and some bad. Well, a bunch of bad times. There has been a very few good things that have come. Right now off the top of my head I can distinctivly think of two good things, I am sure their are a minor few more. But all and all I have to say 2005 has been a pretty sad and depressing year for me. I am going to try look towards a happier new year. A new start. But I usually do not see it that way. Most of the time I am upset to end another year. Another chapter of my life closed, and theirs no stopping it. So I am trying to cheer up and look on the bright side, which I usually have a hard time doing. I am trying to believe that 2006 will be happier...or at least give me a few better times then 2005. Or maybe less sad times? Cause really can things really get much worse? yeah, i am sure they can.

So usually when the ball drops I start to cry, no, well hold back the tears because I don't want to look like a sap. This year I feel like sleeping through it and pretending it was just another day. But for once I have plans and I am going to try to be happy. Eh, I hope it works.


eh.



To a brighter future?

drive

Long drives=thinking

Driving is like therapy to me.








Today my thoughts during my drive made me sad. I dont want to be sad anymore.

pease respond-much needed help

I am planning on openning a coffee house with a small food menu in the very near future. Please if you are bored, know me, don't know me, or just feel like being nice and helpful during this holiday season answer me. It would be oh so helpful in openning a sucessful business. :)

Much love, MissManda


The question is:
if you were looking for a place to go for a cup of coffee and a small bit to eat.... where would you like to go? what would you want to eat? what time of day would it be? what would you want the atmosphere to be like?

Snow and Sun

Some things are better left unsaid. And sometimes it is better for me to be alone. There is always something that no one will understand.

When I am in a mood and nothing can take me out of it... I can't explain or talk. This hasn't happened in a while. Sitting on the floor crying wanting it to end. I can't explain because their is no real use. This hasn't happened in a while. But I will force it to pass- like I have in the past. What do you do when someone you love doesn't seem to love you? What do you do when all you have ever wanted is proven to never be? Lies and deception is never unnoticed to me. You lie, deny you are lying but know I know the truth. Why must you lie? Why are you lying?






You saw my silhouette in the window and called out my name. I was watching you I heard you pull in. You said "I love you" and I said "I love you too" fighting back the tears - my voice trembling. You heard it in my voice. "Will you come down here, let's talk"

You held my hand-kissed me-held me and I cried. I hate you and you know it. I love you more than life. But you know that too.







Lives funny game... you can do anything and I will be here.

wink and a smile

So I am trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit. It comes and goes, I like when it stays for a while.


Have you ever been so happy? Maybe. You have everything you always wanted- and now that you have it, you appreciate it but see you need more then just love to make you happy. What else would I ever need you say? To be happy in other area's in my life....

Which is what I plan on working on, starting now- but really focusing on it all beginning Jan. 1st. Ya know because that's the day everyone else starts their new goals. Which by the way they hardly ever get accomplished. But I am going to go all the way-make it to the top... Solo or with company- either way will do... so who's coming for the ride?


ha. did think so- things always look perfect from far away so when I am at the top looking down on all you people I will remember things aren't always as perfect as they look.

watching the maddness.

I was shopping for hours the other night, mostly against my will. I was bored and was looking for a way to entertain myself. So I found a way. Have you ever taken the time to watch people shop, especially around christmas time? It is hilarious to say the least. One woman standing in the same spot looking at a toy for at least fifteen minutes. Another walking around with a christmas list in her hand yelling out to her friend "I just can't believe my luck! They had everything on his list!!" Some people walk around aimlessly. Other's know exactly what they are going for.

There are two types of christmas shoppers. Ones that enjoy it, sing along with the christmas songs while they shop. Enjoy finding presents for the ones they love. These people don't mind emptying out their pockets of all their money to give a shirt, toy, or electronic to someone that will probably hate it and then return it.

Then there are those people that are just too funny to watch. The hate every moment of shopping. They don't have a clue what to buy, are stressed, and do not feel like spending all their money on someone that will never really like or enjoy what they get. The walk around with their face crunched up from stress. They look tired and annoyed.

There are women that have to drag their children along shopping with them. These kids just fight with their sibblings or say they want everything for themselves. The mother fighting with the child. "Don't you realize that Santa is coming in a few days!" "He buys you presents and you better be good or else you will wake up with nothing on Christmas!"

Holiday shopping can be so freaking fun.

I stare a blank stare

I feel numb. I drive and when I end up where I am going I can't remember how I got there. I cry at the most odd moments. I yearn to spend time with people but physically can't get myself to go out. I dis-like groups. I don't feel like laughing and do not feel like having people bugging me by trying to get me to cheer up. I am not happy the way I have been but I do not feel like being happy. I feel nothing. If I have a good time I feel guilty afterwords. There are so many terrible things to be upset about but still so much to be happy about. I go up and down, delirious. I don't want to be fixed. I am happy. I feel life so much but most do not understand what I feel or where it comes from.



What you care about means nothing. Only I matter.

No, I lied. I feel. I feel everything. I hide it. I stay strong for others. It hurts sometimes. But it's all good.




"It's Christmas!!" "Did you look outside? It's Christmas!!"

The little blonde boy began taking off his winter hat, coat, gloves and jacket. "Did you see it's Christmas outside!" Stomping his snow boots making the tiles wet with snow.

The first snow. I was happy to see someone was almost as excited about it as me, even though it was a five year old kid and only about an inch of snow. It was chilly but pretty outside and I knew the snow wouldn't last very long before it melted similar to the snow that fell off his boots and instantly began to melt on the floor.

It was warm inside and I gave him and his sister hot chocolate. I know them, I have waited on them before. His father annoying. Extra sweet to me, honey baby kind of stuff, sour to his wife. Sarcastic fellow. I never understood why she put up with it. It made me want to slap him in his face for her. Made me want to shout "You can do better! Leave him!" but I shut my mouth and smiled on.

He somewhat reminds me of my father. I cannot tell if he is just a little bit off or an alcoholic. I bet a little of both. She my mom. Takes care of the kids, puts up with his shit, shuts her mouth and carries on. I hate when I wait on families that give me a chilling feeling, reminding me about a childhood memory.

What matters

Time and relationships are all that matter in life.

Fancy cars, name brand clothes, ten million friends don't mean a thing. Doesn't anyone see? I am tired of people complaining that they are not happy with what they have. Things mean nothing. Do they not look around and see how lucky they are to have a loving family, people that want to spend time with them. People that will do anything for them, that care?

Okay I am getting off subject here, but time and relationships in life are all that really matter. Your time here on earth is valuable, and I believe a person should cherish every moment they have here on earth. Never take one second for granted. Relationships, real relationships not fake ones, are what make our life fulfilled. They are want make life worth living. If we did not have people that are close to us or care about us then what is life about? Empty space. Value your time, value friendship and value love.

Open your eyes sometimes. Open your heart. Give a little. Make your life worth something. Touch someone else's life. That's my goal at least, and it works for me.



Now for some Beatles:

Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need I discovered I'm in love with you
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you

I despise him...and I hope he knows it. He ruined so much. He ruined me. He always has from day one. I hear his voice, his lies, his sweet tone and I try to believe him, I want to believe him. I believe him. I have pitty on him, his screwed up life, his twisted brain, his addiction but no more. I have to be strong. He is an asshole and he puts me in a range. He puts the ones I love in danger. He puts me in danger. I hate him, but I'll always love him. This is the ironic part of it all.

On Repeat

I am strong and I know it. When times are tough I will get through. I have this perfect amount of hardness but the softness still shows through. My past has brought me to my future. I can only believe in what is true. You can never truly believe what you see. I will never believe in anyone but me.


A recent favorit song: Colin Hay

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you


it's on repeat. It touches me heart because a huge glimpse of it is true.

I have had but one love.

December 1, 2005

I love when you hear a song that just connects with you. Or a really great album. I find it funny how there can be someone that you see everyday and hardly speak with or even give a second look and one day out of nowhere you are good friends. Or at least find out you have lots in common and then you cannot wait to talk to them again because you enjoyed them so much.

I love having big dreams, but knowing that I am capable of really making them come true, though it might take lots of work and effort. It makes me sad to know there are some people that you just love more then life itself but you just can't talk to everyday. Can't touch, hold or truly show love to because there is something there that just holds you back.

One day when I have enough strength and knowledge I hope to sort all this stuff out. Understand it all deeply. Smooth it all out.


It's not winter until December 21st.


I love my sissy. Happy 17th year on earth.