I feel numb. I drive and when I end up where I am going I can't remember how I got there. I cry at the most odd moments. I yearn to spend time with people but physically can't get myself to go out. I dis-like groups. I don't feel like laughing and do not feel like having people bugging me by trying to get me to cheer up. I am not happy the way I have been but I do not feel like being happy. I feel nothing. If I have a good time I feel guilty afterwords. There are so many terrible things to be upset about but still so much to be happy about. I go up and down, delirious. I don't want to be fixed. I am happy. I feel life so much but most do not understand what I feel or where it comes from.
What you care about means nothing. Only I matter.
No, I lied. I feel. I feel everything. I hide it. I stay strong for others. It hurts sometimes. But it's all good.
"It's Christmas!!" "Did you look outside? It's Christmas!!"
The little blonde boy began taking off his winter hat, coat, gloves and jacket. "Did you see it's Christmas outside!" Stomping his snow boots making the tiles wet with snow.
The first snow. I was happy to see someone was almost as excited about it as me, even though it was a five year old kid and only about an inch of snow. It was chilly but pretty outside and I knew the snow wouldn't last very long before it melted similar to the snow that fell off his boots and instantly began to melt on the floor.
It was warm inside and I gave him and his sister hot chocolate. I know them, I have waited on them before. His father annoying. Extra sweet to me, honey baby kind of stuff, sour to his wife. Sarcastic fellow. I never understood why she put up with it. It made me want to slap him in his face for her. Made me want to shout "You can do better! Leave him!" but I shut my mouth and smiled on.
He somewhat reminds me of my father. I cannot tell if he is just a little bit off or an alcoholic. I bet a little of both. She my mom. Takes care of the kids, puts up with his shit, shuts her mouth and carries on. I hate when I wait on families that give me a chilling feeling, reminding me about a childhood memory.
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