Busy Bee

So I have been busy. I went back to school and the work load is huge. Have been only working 2 days a week, which all of a sudden seems like a lot, though I cannot seem to make a dent in paying for my school. But I just got a job in the field I am going to school for, a librarian, which makes me so freaking happy!!!!! Though I do not know what to do with my waitressing job, I would never look back if I left it but I know I could just the extra cash each week if I can find time for it in between everything else.
Tony started his "career" the same week I started school so between all I have going on and his work we are lucky to see each other twice a week. This is stressful but we'll get through it.... maybe someday pretty soon we can come home to each other making that two days a week thing go away. Our "baby" Alfie is growing up!! I love him more then I ever thought I could love a puppy, his is my child! He makes my heart smile. :)
So, I am thinking of starting to fix up my own place as soon as summer school is over which makes me excited, though it will be tough money wise. Maybe I can get full time at my new job? Generally I am happy, hopefully things will come through in my house in the next few weeks causing me to become completly happy. i hate to loose my father from my house, but I can't take the drama anymore and the key to me putting my life on track is to get all the stress and drama out of my life. Mentioning strss free reminded me of the vacation Tony and I went on....Niagara Falls Canada was wonderful, relaxing, and brought us so close. i have nothing but warm fuzzy memories about that vacation. I haven't had much time to write or read latley. And if you can't find me I am probably at some library behind a bunch of reference books... so come find me there!

i love nature

nature makes my heart smile.
and thats about all I have to say about that.

www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com

When life's got ya down

When life's got you down, pick yourself back up. Dust yourself off and do what you gotta do to make life better.



I'm going back to school to get my masters :)
I'm getting away for a while, going to Canada :)
I'm redoing my room :)
I'm getting my ass outta waitressing :)

I'm gonna do what it takes to make myself independant and happy!
I hope their is someone out there that I can encourage to do the same because it feels great!

simple ease

The ease of having you near,
how highly I think of you
is almost enough to keep me close to you forever.
But its your kind heart
and your sweet ways
that also make me want you to stay.
Your talents and intelligence make me proud to know you.
Your words and your softness is unusual to be found.
This love was not overpowering in the beginning.
It took its time to grow.
When I hear you call yourself "papa" I know I need you forever.
So as time strolls by and we get older,
I want you by my side
to make each and everyday a smidge easier for one another.

love like this

Walking through the park never was so delightful. Watching you explore makes my heart jump for joy. Silly it seems that I always hated your type and how now I understand what everyone else saw in your kind. When times are ruff you are by my side...either tugging on my sleeve or licking my face. When I want to cuddle you are there. When I am happy you will dance and run with me. I've never had love like this.




ha, :)

So fresh and so clean

I found this image on the internet. Do any of you out there do this? I do, I love to not only rehearse in the shower but plain and simply THINK. In the shower with the warm water beating down on me I can think with a clear mind. It is a time where I can get completly lost in my thoughts. It's like a mini vacation or a sort runaway. I can think about my day or my day to come. I can create an intersting story or poem. I can ponder life and the meaning of it. I can feel or cry. Let it all out. Then compose myself, step out of the shower and feel okay again. Clean, refreshed and at peace with the conclusion of my thoughts.

sun rays warm my face

I hope the sun shines on me and my life.



Life has been pretty complicated latley. There is always too many things that have to be done and not enough time in the day. My life has left me with little time to do anything relaxing. Hopefully things will not get much worse before it gets better. I haven't had much time latley to write or take pictures which bluntly makes me pretty freaking sad. So today I am going to try to find the time to.


The picture above was taken about three weeks ago at a small park in Stony Brook, Long Island. It is amazing how much feeling I got from this tree. It was big and beautiful. There were love carvings all the way up to the tippy top of the tree. Ya know, the carving of initals in hearts. I can imagine the tree being so old and the couples sitting there under the tree... then leaving there mark in the tree. I wonder how many of those couples where high school loves and wonder how many of those loves are still together and burning strong. I was there while the sun was low and bright causing everthing to glisten and shimmer. I sat under the tree looking for a spot that was empty, so that I could too put my initials on the tree. There was not one free space and I did not have anything sharp. Next time I am going to bring something sharp and find a free space, even if I have to climb to the highest branch. I can't wait until spring to see this tree in full bloom. It's silly how a tree can make me feel so many things. I have to say, I love this photograph.

Simple Happiness

I've always been big on achiving. I've always frowned upon people that did not end up sucessful. Now I see I am a college graduate that is unsure of the world or where to turn to next. I am a college graduate that is still a simple waitress. Most days my routine is the same. And slowly I am loosing my drive to go to work each morning. Currently my life has way too much saddness in it.

Their are days I say fuck it all, live life for today. Stay home and play with the puppy. Go for a walk. Watch the wonder and the happiness in this little pup as he explores the world. There are so many things to do each day. Sometimes I find myself tired of this rut. Sometimes I want to just pick myself up and walk right away.

Then the feeling fades.

I always wonder if what I am doing in my life is right. I wonder if I have the right relationships or if I let go of the right ones. Life isn't easy. I don't know where to go next. I am unsure if I need to relax and let life play out or if I need to buckle myself in and get serious. I guess only time will tell.

puppy love

I just want to say that I bought myself a new little puppy for valentines day...and i've been in love since. <3 His name is Alfie and he is an 11 weeks old, male Shih Tzu. He is adorable but has been taking up most of my time since he is a baby. He's doing great though and is a perfect little doggy for me. :) I am all smiles but I hope that soon my time will free up and it will leave me more time to get back to reading, writing and taking pictures again.

I have two rolls of film to get developed so there will be pictures posted soon-and many of them will be of my puppy, for all the world to see!


:) *smile*

Water is beautiful in the winter

I took a little adventure ride today and found a few beautiful spots. I love days like this. Take a look if you'd like. WWW.AmandaAngevine.TextAmerica.com



When their are times you feel down light will shine through.

When you feel like you do not know which way to turn let fate guide you.

I also stopped by the Port Jeff Pet shop today and now I am completly in love with this little tan and white Shih Tuz if anyone wants to buy it for me and give me a home to live with it in. Mother won't let me have it in the house. But I am in love with it as well as the baby spaniels. Whaddya say?

knock knock on the heart.

This is something I started writing on Friday night. It is obviously not complete but I am thinking of finishing it. I am basically pretty nervous to be posting this. Scared of what people will think of it. But it means a lot to me and I would love feedback so please do.

Clack clack clack

“Cleo use your keys.”

Clack clack clack

“I don’t get why you won’t just use your keys, you know I’m writing.
Oh, Sandra. I’m…I’m sorry. I thought Cleo forgot something.”

“I’m sorry Amarus. I’m sorry I’m here. Sorry to bother you. How are you?”

“A bit shocked to be honest. Never thought I’d see you at my door again. But I’ve been breathing. Busy writing. Busy getting by.”

“Give me a hug, I’ve missed you!”

Cleo was having a hard time dragging her laundry down the block. The Laundromat wasn’t far, but the laundry had piled up in the last week and it was heavy for her to be carrying. Cleo never worried much though, she had a great big smile and wild eyes that made people, especially men, want to help her.

Cleo stopped and sighed taking a break from tugging her bag of laundry and by no surprise a man in his mid twenties stopped to ask her if she would like some help.

“Oh, how nice of you. I’m not going far but it would be so kind of you to help drag this to the Laundromat with me.”

He was hooked. Once again her laundry was carried to the Laundromat and she had company while waiting for her clothes to wash. She always looked forward to talking to someone new. She took the opportunity whenever she could.

“The second rinse just finished, I’m halfway done! Woo hoo! What about fourty minutes left for it to dry?”

“Yes, seems about right. Would you- well I actually didn’t get your name?”

“Cleo”

“Nice to meet you Cleo. My friends call me Brain.”
He smiles wide. He is handsome, nice smile, straight teeth, big eyes, but average, and average would never be her type. “While you wait for your laundry to dry would you like to go next store and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee?

“Sounds nice.” She smiles a smile that makes him melt. A smile that makes most men melt.

------------------------------------------------

Sandra has known Amarus for years though sometimes it feels like it has been lifetimes. They’ve always been close. Lovers in the past. But they haven’t seen each other in years. Six years to be exact. Which has also felt like lifetimes. Not only for Sandra but Amarus as well. Only he has a harder time admitting it.

“So how’s your Cleo? It’s nice to hear that you two are still living together and I assume going strong.” It breaks her heart to know this even though she wishes him nothing but happiness, which she knows he has. It is odd for him to still be in he same place with the same girl. He gets bored and tired of people and places pretty fast but since he is not it can only mean he is happy.

“She’s good, out doing some errands. She’ll be back soon. I’m actually surprised that you took a chance coming here, knocking on my door, taking a chance that she would answer it.”

“I know I took a chance. And hey look it worked out. ”

“Why are you here Sandra?”

“To see you. To visit New York. I miss it. I miss you. But I have to be honest I wasn’t sure if I’d still find you here, but I am happy that I did. You haven’t moved in a while which is unusual. Normally I have to hunt you down.”

“Nope I haven’t moved. Cleo wanted to stay. It’s unusual for her, but that’s how she is. Always up to something different. She wants to see what it is like to stay in one place for a while. Get to know our neighbors. Not run out on the bills for once. And she figures New York City is the place to do it. Theirs a chance she won’t get tired of it too fast.”

“I see, no children yet?”

Amarus never wanted to have children. Never wanted the responsibility of fucking up someone’s life. He always avoids talking about children.

“No. But how are yours? And Dante?”

“The kids great, Dante wonderful. Working his ass off. He took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend. Wanted to give me a weekend off. He’s great for that. That’s why I love him. He’s great.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Of course, I always promised to tell the truth, I always have.”

Dante took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend to give Sandra some space. She’s been feeling stuck again, stuck in her rut of life and every now and again she needs to just run away. Feel free again. Sandra never regrets her life that she has made for herself, it’s always been her dream to get married, have children, money, have a loving husband and to be able to work or not work as she pleased. But at times she wonders what her life could have been if she didn’t get married or have kids. Where would she be? Who would she be?

Dante trusted Sandra. It worried him that she had to run off to see Amarus every few years. It’s been six years since the last time she went off to visit. Once she got it out of her system she was okay again. Would be able to get back to her normal life again for a while. Still it worried him that he wasn’t able to give her everything she needed. But he loved her enough to trust her and give her want she needed to stay sane. And if seeing Amarus was part of what she needed, he would give it. He would pull down a star and hang it over her bed if she asked for it.

“I know you think I am crazy to be here again, at your door step again. But I had to.”

“I always said I would be here for you, and I will always mean it. Do you have a place to stay?”

“No, not yet. I am sure I can just pick a hotel and get a room for a night or two. There are hundreds to choose from around here.”

“I would invite you to stay but I can’t, it’s not exactly my place to invite you too, it’s Cleo’s.”

“I understand. And I understand if you want me to leave.”

“No, I like to see you. And I have been getting your letters. I read everyone once. Then I burn it.”

“Burn it?”

“Ha, yes burn it. You know how I am, read it once put it in my mind and whatever I happen to remember I remember. I let my mind remember what it will. I do not want to sit and read the letters over and over again. My mind will remember what’s important.”

“It just feels good to get it out. And sometimes writing for myself just isn’t enough. It’s nice to know someone is on the other end. That maybe someone understands me or wants to hear my thoughts. I like having someone so close to me but I don’t have to face everyday to explain what I am writing or why I feel the way I do. Does Cleo know I write?”

“She once saw a letter but did not ask much about it. We never spoke of it again.”

“I see. So what were you writing when I knocked on the door?”

Sandra asks this question with a small hope that he will answer. The hope comes from deep within her bones. All she wants to do is understand. Understand every thought that flows through his brain. Every feel that is felt that is unsaid. The truth. His truth. His pain.

“You know I will never answer that”

“Indeed I did. You know me, full of hope”

“You’ll never give up. What has it been? Almost twenty years now we have known each other? And still you ask the same questions. Still have that look of hope in your eyes that I will open up and explain everything. Tell you my secrets that have never been spoken.”

Amarus will hardly ever break or open up. But at times like these he wants to scream “I love you for that!” For being predictable. For being interested in him and what he thinks and feels. Cleo is so unpredictable, even hard to live with at times, and usually wants the world to revolve around her and what she wants, thinks and feels. She hardly every gives a minutes thought about what he is writing about, thinking about or even feeling. But these same traits are the reasons he loves her. She lets him stay to himself. He can leave without a question, and she can do the same.

For a slight moment Amarus misses Sandra’s skin. Misses being close to her. Kissing her.

Sandra longs for Amarus’s smell. She once again has it in her nose from being close to him during the moment when she hugged him. She knows he is grateful that she touched him. Knows the affect it will have on him. It’s a similar affect that the hug has on her. A single touch will send chills up their spine. It’s a chill that will rekindle their affection and will open their hearts up to each other again. They are always so close to one another yet so far away from each other.

Amarus and Sandra always said they were soul mates. They have been eternally etched in each other’s heart and soul since they were at the young age of seventeen. Though they were young they knew the truth and since then there was no erasing this.

“It’s good to see you”
”It’s always good to see you Amarus.”

beauty

So I visited this beautiful State Park today called Indian Island and it made me happy.

I love nature, water and taking pictures. I am thinking of visiting more parks soon-any takers??


:) So check out some of my work at www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com


thats all I have to say for today. thankyou.

i am suffocating and feel like i cannot breathe. My soul is crying and looking for an escape. People tell me that I should get over it, stay safe, what I feel is wrong. Who the fuck are you to tell me that what I want, feel is wrong?

You butt into my business. Force me to let you read letters that are addressed to me. You use me living here as a way to control me. "Give it to me or get out of MY HOUSE!" I am not allowed to have privacy. My opinions are yours. I am trapped and must ask permission if I want to go out. I am not a baby. On the opposite side I must baby you. You are not strong enough to handle truth. I must hold your hand, make final decisions and lead the way. I am twisted and turned. A play thing that does not want to be played. Give me my space. I see I must leave.

I may go back to school but before I settle in I must live a little. Get away, see a new place. Without any of you.

Love that seems true suffocates me too. I do not know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid. Afraid I am fooling myself. Afraid of being unhappy in ten years. I have always been the one to tame others, you want to tame me. I do not think I am crazy enough to tame. Responsible and staight laced all my life- how am I to be tamer. I have an imagination which I enjoy. Do you want to laugh and throw rocks and kill that too? I am stupid and I want to learn. I want to see and feel. You are tamer then I and I do not know if this is good to me.

Routine is killing me. FUCK ROUTINE!!!!
I sit and smile and nod my head yes. I cry inside silently while my soul is slowly dying.

I know I might be following a dream. I might even be following something that will hurt me, did hurt me. Might be a lie. But through my eyes right now my mind is screaming who cares and get the fuck out of here!

It might be forever, it might be only a few days. I might come back changed or come back the same. Either way it is only what seems right. So I dream big.... so I may be screwed up. So what I am doing might be wrong? But who's to say so? Who's to know unless I try?

Please do not hate me. Please trust me and let me try.



I would say I am sorry, but I don't know if I really am.

is love?

is love saying it ten times a day? Does repeating it over and over again really enforce the love or is it trying to prove to yourself that you love somebody?

Maybe real love is unspoken?

meaning of life

I feel that there is a point to life. A reason why we are all here. What the point is exactly I do not yet know, but I know there is one. Life is not to be wasted. Nor to be taken too lightly or seriously.

I feel that life should contain productivity. A person should have goals, either short term or long term. People should use sleep as a means of recharging so that when they wake they can function to the fullest. Have clear open eyes to see the world through. Too many people abuse sleep and use it as a way to not deal with life. They miss so much sleeping it a way. It's a waste.

I like to have something to do each day. Whether it is to go to work to make some money, cook a delicious meal, take a walk, read another chapter in a book, write something meaningful, clean out a closest or get a few great shots while taking a drive. I like to know that my day hasn't gone to waste. I like to feel a sense of accomplishment.

Maybe it's me. I know maybe people feel differently about life. There are so many ways to live life. Who's to say that what I think is best other than me?

Love to the extreme. Feel. Feel all things good and bad. Open your heart knowing their is about 100% chance you'll be hurt and accept it. Say nice things and try to say less bad.

Be honest with yourself and other people. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Try to see the good in people. Try to see life through other peoples eyes. But know that they say what they mean and mean what they say-do not put your feeling onto them, because everybody is different and feels different things. Sees things in different ways.

Find connections and try not to loose them. There are very few people in life that you will find great connections with. Keep them.

Know that everything you come into contact with changes you-makes you who you are. Accept it, enjoy it. Be aware of it. Experience life to the fullest. Keep your eyes and heart open. Your head on. Enjoy it.







Because who knows what their is after death.

i live under a rock

I realize that I don't have much common knowledge. And most of the time I am unsure of what certain words mean when I am reading something and it bothers me. So recently I have been a big fan of my pocket thesaurus and my online dictionary. Sometimes it really pleases me to find out what certain words mean.

weird hobby huh? Well, I am trying to crawl out from under my rock. Sad and pathetic I know.




For example: Charm: it's a word commonly used and known. But the meaning of the word is so pleasing that I think people take for granted what a complement it is to be called charming.

the definition:
The power or quality of pleasing or delighting; attractiveness: a breezy tropical setting of great charm.
A particular quality that attracts; a delightful characteristic: A mischievous grin was among the child's many charms.
A small ornament, such as one worn on a bracelet.
An item worn for its supposed magical benefit, as in warding off evil; an amulet.
An action or formula thought to have magical power.
The chanting of a magic word or verse; incantation.
Physics. A quantum property of the charm quark whose conservation explains the absence of certain strange-particle decay modes and that accounts for the longevity of the J particle.

To attract or delight greatly: the simple elegance of the meal charmed the guests.
To induce by using strong personal attractiveness: charmed the guard into admitting them without invitations.
To cast or seem to cast a spell on; bewitch.

To be alluring or pleasing.
To function as an amulet or charm.
To use magic spells

annoyance

People annoy me. All types of people. Friends, old friends, people I hardly know, basically know and really know. Strangers I wait on. They all have a way of pushing my buttons.

More people annoyed me today then usual.

So, people are annoying and thats about all i have to say today. So thanks for your time :)

old stuff found

You only wish you could still love me
touch me
kiss me
be here for me
You can now only dream that I would still be here when you came back to your original home.
How long did you think I would wait?
How long would I long for happiness?
In your eyes I used to find peace-
Now they are just empty.
Good luck with your love
your kisses
and your touch
Enjoy your dreams and do not fret
I am happy.

stuck

So I am stuck. I am stuck in this pain. In this not knowing what to think or feel. I feel numb. Then all at once my feelings over power me. I sit, I cannot get anything done. I work and I sit here. There are moments of normalcy then I am alone again. Once again frozen.

I decided to try something new. I will force myself to get things done. To work a lot, to clean. I am going to start reading during all my free time that way I am wrapped up in another world, not my own. I will no longer cry myself to sleep at night, instead stay up all night and read or clean. If I read myself to sleep so that I will not be thinking about my life before bed.

Sad I feel like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could take advice and just let it be, not care, see what plays out- but I guess that just isn't me. I wish it could be.

And to be honest I have no clue of what I really want. I never truly had a relationship with him anyway. I'm the one dreaming that we can have a healthy relationship which never was. I never thought this would affect me in this way.

Pretending to be happy just isn't me anymore. I am tired of it- so this is the new true me. Do you like it?

am i crazy or deceived

is it all in my head or was it all a lie


i'll never know


this seems to be the theme of my life-- i feel this way about everything.

everythings a blurr.