A day off...

Today I took the day off. Tony was off and I just needed a day to be with him and get a few things done. I woke up at 6:30am automatically because my body is so used to it and decided to get up and use it to work on the wedding favors. (which finally got done today! Hours of work!) I took a quick morning walk with Alfie because it always helps me wake up. I love the early morning feeling in the air- wakes me right up! After having some MickyD's pancakes for breakfast we then went and checked the trolley, yes, trolley, for the wedding. We are defiantly going with it. We love it and Alfie is allowed to ride in it with us! Ran some errands, ate some boulder creek, shopped at target, and got some ice cream and are now home relaxing. The day is fading already! I bought a punch of flower seeds to plant on my day off on Saturday. I am SO EXCITED to get planting! I hope it is nice out on Saturday!! But I heard it is supposed to rain :( I am really excited to plant the sunflower seeds we bought...I hope they grow! We'll see. I found that the plants I grew last year regrew! I was so happy- but sad because they are now under the new deck we have by our front door. I wish I remembered to move the plants before we built the deck!
So I always try to look objectively about getting married, because I have seen some terrible marriages in my life and do not ever want to end up in one. I have came to the conclusion that the only terrible thing I can think of about marrying Tony is that I am afraid something bad will happen to one of us one day and one of us will have to continue on without the other. But I know I can't think of that now. It's too sad. I hope we live a long, long, long, happy life together. (with alfie!) It's amazing how much the two of us enjoy each other’s company. We love days off together! It's just absolutely ridiculous...if we always continue enjoying each other’s company like this we will always be okay. :) All in all, a happy day!

lets hurt the bride...

Is it true that when we are supposed to be at our happiest that is when others are always trying to bring us down??

I think so.

ETA: So- a few days later I am editing this. I still believe this, but it is true for most people but not all. Just wanted to clear that up.

Stress be gone

Seems all I ever get done anymore is work. I go to work- I come home and work- I work on my day off at my other job- and in the evenings I work on wedding planning. Everything seems to feel like work latley. Even things I am supposed to be enjoying. I want to enjoy every aspect of what I am doing but it is hard for me, I am one of those stressed out kind of people. Things need to be done perfectly or else I am not happy. If people are bitches around me...I get upset.
I finally took a nice relaxing bath after my second job yesterday. It was the nicest 20 minutes I've had in a long time. Though I do get to go out with friends and colleagues it still seems like work to me most of the time. Socializing, talking, thinking... work. My de-stressor latley is walking with my pup and my bub around the neighborhood. Which I enjoy...we always notice something new, find something interesting to talk about... or just simply stay quiet and take in the outside. But my bath was nice. Quiet, different. Felt like I was really taking care of myself. Other than flooding my bathroom, it was great. I used a new sea salt scrub and then decided to paint my finger and toe nails pink- also unusual. And it lasted a whole 3 hours until I decided to pick up my bass guitar. (Another joyful experience latley). Maybe life isn't so bad afterall. I think I was just looking to the negatives instead of accentuating the positives. I am going to try to relax more often. Stop focusing on all of the negatives. Whatever happen around me happens. I am going to change my outlook. I dont care what happens in the world around me- the jealous and assonon people around me can do as they please- I will ignore you and go on singing my happy tune. You don't want me there- good- I don't want to be there. You will no longer get me down. Wedding planning-almost done! There is wonderful lights at the end of the tunnel! I cannot wait for that great day...5/25/08. I will focus on what makes me happy- what makes me me. Forget all the rest! Like good ol' Bing and the Andrew sisters said....
Accentuate the positive-Eliminate the negative- Forget about your worries and your strife.

overview of past life

she's moving in
No
You have no say
No?
She's here...who cares what you say
Go away
Loads and loads of crap
garbage
crack

boards on doors
locks all over

yelling
the smells
the cars driving by
screams
cops
cops
fights
hammers
hitting
more cops
every other day cops
i'm going to kill you...
nothing that we can do.

get her outta here!
No
Please?
can't.
cries
yells
sobs
please? help.
HELP!
sorry

quiet for a day
yells through the floors

daddy help?
open your eyes?

NO.
christmas passes
birthdays
holidays

still the same.

yelling
fighting
hitting
drug selling
cops do you have eyes to see?

get her outta here!

we see
cant do a thing.

sister gets involved
help?
fights
screams
cops

everything gone
outta the house
truck smashed

new home
no phone calls
everything gone

bitch is gone
everything is gone

money...
need money...
need to keep the house...

a phone call?
hello.
try to help
I am there for him
daddy?
(uses me)

gone when something better comes along.
dirtbag friends

no more calls
craziness
sadness
sickness

sadness.

trying to heal

Once in a while

It's that time of the year again, it's chilly outside.

When I think of your kisses
I'm still gonna smile
I'm still gonna miss you
Once in a while

Once in a while I'll wake up
Wondering why we gave up
But once in a while
Comes and it fades away

Good things keep moving ahead
I'm tired of dying
I'm living instead


-Once in a While-Half the Perfect World-Madeleine Peyroux

7/25/2007

Went to Blockbuster and bought a bunch of used movies today. Today was the first time I have watched a movie in about 6 months. I watched "Man of the Year". I liked it, you should watch it.

I haven't made any wedding plans as of yet. I am getting worried about how late it is getting to book a place. I can't make a decision, do not have much money to spend (paying for it ourself), and feel overwhemled with it all. (What's New). I wish my mother would be there for me and help me out just a little tiny bit. It would be great.
At times like these when I would like to spend money on myself I get upset about the decision I've made in the past.


as it is it will be.
till then.

To the Future:

There are many times in my life that the future seems blurry. A few things latley have became pretty stable, and I am beginning to really love that feeling. Not everything is stable....but more is stable in my life now then has ever been before. I have decided that I am going to start writing again. Sometimes daily jibber jabber that may be on my mind, sometimes more important things. I would love to start a book about the past two years of my life, the craziness, the troubles, the heartache, the maddness, tears, and few glimps of happiness, but I am not sure if I am capable of rekindling those memories and emotions yet. I may try, but it might not happen for a long while. But I will. Maybe. Because without those events known, nobody knows me. I only know one person that truly knows me. I am lucky I even have that person, but sometimes I think "hey, maybe it would be nice if my "friends" and "co-workers" really knew my past and what my life is all about". Then I remember how hard it will be to explain it all to them. And then how different they will look at me in the end. So I don't care to share. I just smile and say "yeah everything is great, my weekend wonderful, my family unbelievable, my childhood so happy" and they smile back thinking wow she is just like me, she is so nice, normal, happy. And I die a little inside knowing that there has been one more person that believed my lies and not looked more into it. I am what I portray, I just leave a few major details out.
I am trying to relax and get things off my chest. I am finally at a point where I am almost finished with school, love my job and love my new little family (alf, pop, and me). I want to take vacations, explore, and take pictures. I enjoy writing on this blog, not just because it gets things off my chest, but because I am in hopes that there is someone out there that reads it, and also feels the same. A person that will no longer feel so alone because there is someone out there like them. It cures me to know someone might be reading, to that person I am writing to you. Though I don't know why; writing just for myself doesn't do it for me.

Until then.

Who says Librarians aren't cool. Read this NY Times article about the "new hip librarians".

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/fashion/08librarian.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5070&en=60020e0dbfef307b&ex=1184472000&emc=eta1

Busy Bee

So I have been busy. I went back to school and the work load is huge. Have been only working 2 days a week, which all of a sudden seems like a lot, though I cannot seem to make a dent in paying for my school. But I just got a job in the field I am going to school for, a librarian, which makes me so freaking happy!!!!! Though I do not know what to do with my waitressing job, I would never look back if I left it but I know I could just the extra cash each week if I can find time for it in between everything else.
Tony started his "career" the same week I started school so between all I have going on and his work we are lucky to see each other twice a week. This is stressful but we'll get through it.... maybe someday pretty soon we can come home to each other making that two days a week thing go away. Our "baby" Alfie is growing up!! I love him more then I ever thought I could love a puppy, his is my child! He makes my heart smile. :)
So, I am thinking of starting to fix up my own place as soon as summer school is over which makes me excited, though it will be tough money wise. Maybe I can get full time at my new job? Generally I am happy, hopefully things will come through in my house in the next few weeks causing me to become completly happy. i hate to loose my father from my house, but I can't take the drama anymore and the key to me putting my life on track is to get all the stress and drama out of my life. Mentioning strss free reminded me of the vacation Tony and I went on....Niagara Falls Canada was wonderful, relaxing, and brought us so close. i have nothing but warm fuzzy memories about that vacation. I haven't had much time to write or read latley. And if you can't find me I am probably at some library behind a bunch of reference books... so come find me there!

i love nature

nature makes my heart smile.
and thats about all I have to say about that.

www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com

When life's got ya down

When life's got you down, pick yourself back up. Dust yourself off and do what you gotta do to make life better.



I'm going back to school to get my masters :)
I'm getting away for a while, going to Canada :)
I'm redoing my room :)
I'm getting my ass outta waitressing :)

I'm gonna do what it takes to make myself independant and happy!
I hope their is someone out there that I can encourage to do the same because it feels great!

simple ease

The ease of having you near,
how highly I think of you
is almost enough to keep me close to you forever.
But its your kind heart
and your sweet ways
that also make me want you to stay.
Your talents and intelligence make me proud to know you.
Your words and your softness is unusual to be found.
This love was not overpowering in the beginning.
It took its time to grow.
When I hear you call yourself "papa" I know I need you forever.
So as time strolls by and we get older,
I want you by my side
to make each and everyday a smidge easier for one another.

love like this

Walking through the park never was so delightful. Watching you explore makes my heart jump for joy. Silly it seems that I always hated your type and how now I understand what everyone else saw in your kind. When times are ruff you are by my side...either tugging on my sleeve or licking my face. When I want to cuddle you are there. When I am happy you will dance and run with me. I've never had love like this.




ha, :)

So fresh and so clean

I found this image on the internet. Do any of you out there do this? I do, I love to not only rehearse in the shower but plain and simply THINK. In the shower with the warm water beating down on me I can think with a clear mind. It is a time where I can get completly lost in my thoughts. It's like a mini vacation or a sort runaway. I can think about my day or my day to come. I can create an intersting story or poem. I can ponder life and the meaning of it. I can feel or cry. Let it all out. Then compose myself, step out of the shower and feel okay again. Clean, refreshed and at peace with the conclusion of my thoughts.

sun rays warm my face

I hope the sun shines on me and my life.



Life has been pretty complicated latley. There is always too many things that have to be done and not enough time in the day. My life has left me with little time to do anything relaxing. Hopefully things will not get much worse before it gets better. I haven't had much time latley to write or take pictures which bluntly makes me pretty freaking sad. So today I am going to try to find the time to.


The picture above was taken about three weeks ago at a small park in Stony Brook, Long Island. It is amazing how much feeling I got from this tree. It was big and beautiful. There were love carvings all the way up to the tippy top of the tree. Ya know, the carving of initals in hearts. I can imagine the tree being so old and the couples sitting there under the tree... then leaving there mark in the tree. I wonder how many of those couples where high school loves and wonder how many of those loves are still together and burning strong. I was there while the sun was low and bright causing everthing to glisten and shimmer. I sat under the tree looking for a spot that was empty, so that I could too put my initials on the tree. There was not one free space and I did not have anything sharp. Next time I am going to bring something sharp and find a free space, even if I have to climb to the highest branch. I can't wait until spring to see this tree in full bloom. It's silly how a tree can make me feel so many things. I have to say, I love this photograph.

Simple Happiness

I've always been big on achiving. I've always frowned upon people that did not end up sucessful. Now I see I am a college graduate that is unsure of the world or where to turn to next. I am a college graduate that is still a simple waitress. Most days my routine is the same. And slowly I am loosing my drive to go to work each morning. Currently my life has way too much saddness in it.

Their are days I say fuck it all, live life for today. Stay home and play with the puppy. Go for a walk. Watch the wonder and the happiness in this little pup as he explores the world. There are so many things to do each day. Sometimes I find myself tired of this rut. Sometimes I want to just pick myself up and walk right away.

Then the feeling fades.

I always wonder if what I am doing in my life is right. I wonder if I have the right relationships or if I let go of the right ones. Life isn't easy. I don't know where to go next. I am unsure if I need to relax and let life play out or if I need to buckle myself in and get serious. I guess only time will tell.

puppy love

I just want to say that I bought myself a new little puppy for valentines day...and i've been in love since. <3 His name is Alfie and he is an 11 weeks old, male Shih Tzu. He is adorable but has been taking up most of my time since he is a baby. He's doing great though and is a perfect little doggy for me. :) I am all smiles but I hope that soon my time will free up and it will leave me more time to get back to reading, writing and taking pictures again.

I have two rolls of film to get developed so there will be pictures posted soon-and many of them will be of my puppy, for all the world to see!


:) *smile*

Water is beautiful in the winter

I took a little adventure ride today and found a few beautiful spots. I love days like this. Take a look if you'd like. WWW.AmandaAngevine.TextAmerica.com



When their are times you feel down light will shine through.

When you feel like you do not know which way to turn let fate guide you.

I also stopped by the Port Jeff Pet shop today and now I am completly in love with this little tan and white Shih Tuz if anyone wants to buy it for me and give me a home to live with it in. Mother won't let me have it in the house. But I am in love with it as well as the baby spaniels. Whaddya say?

knock knock on the heart.

This is something I started writing on Friday night. It is obviously not complete but I am thinking of finishing it. I am basically pretty nervous to be posting this. Scared of what people will think of it. But it means a lot to me and I would love feedback so please do.

Clack clack clack

“Cleo use your keys.”

Clack clack clack

“I don’t get why you won’t just use your keys, you know I’m writing.
Oh, Sandra. I’m…I’m sorry. I thought Cleo forgot something.”

“I’m sorry Amarus. I’m sorry I’m here. Sorry to bother you. How are you?”

“A bit shocked to be honest. Never thought I’d see you at my door again. But I’ve been breathing. Busy writing. Busy getting by.”

“Give me a hug, I’ve missed you!”

Cleo was having a hard time dragging her laundry down the block. The Laundromat wasn’t far, but the laundry had piled up in the last week and it was heavy for her to be carrying. Cleo never worried much though, she had a great big smile and wild eyes that made people, especially men, want to help her.

Cleo stopped and sighed taking a break from tugging her bag of laundry and by no surprise a man in his mid twenties stopped to ask her if she would like some help.

“Oh, how nice of you. I’m not going far but it would be so kind of you to help drag this to the Laundromat with me.”

He was hooked. Once again her laundry was carried to the Laundromat and she had company while waiting for her clothes to wash. She always looked forward to talking to someone new. She took the opportunity whenever she could.

“The second rinse just finished, I’m halfway done! Woo hoo! What about fourty minutes left for it to dry?”

“Yes, seems about right. Would you- well I actually didn’t get your name?”

“Cleo”

“Nice to meet you Cleo. My friends call me Brain.”
He smiles wide. He is handsome, nice smile, straight teeth, big eyes, but average, and average would never be her type. “While you wait for your laundry to dry would you like to go next store and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee?

“Sounds nice.” She smiles a smile that makes him melt. A smile that makes most men melt.

------------------------------------------------

Sandra has known Amarus for years though sometimes it feels like it has been lifetimes. They’ve always been close. Lovers in the past. But they haven’t seen each other in years. Six years to be exact. Which has also felt like lifetimes. Not only for Sandra but Amarus as well. Only he has a harder time admitting it.

“So how’s your Cleo? It’s nice to hear that you two are still living together and I assume going strong.” It breaks her heart to know this even though she wishes him nothing but happiness, which she knows he has. It is odd for him to still be in he same place with the same girl. He gets bored and tired of people and places pretty fast but since he is not it can only mean he is happy.

“She’s good, out doing some errands. She’ll be back soon. I’m actually surprised that you took a chance coming here, knocking on my door, taking a chance that she would answer it.”

“I know I took a chance. And hey look it worked out. ”

“Why are you here Sandra?”

“To see you. To visit New York. I miss it. I miss you. But I have to be honest I wasn’t sure if I’d still find you here, but I am happy that I did. You haven’t moved in a while which is unusual. Normally I have to hunt you down.”

“Nope I haven’t moved. Cleo wanted to stay. It’s unusual for her, but that’s how she is. Always up to something different. She wants to see what it is like to stay in one place for a while. Get to know our neighbors. Not run out on the bills for once. And she figures New York City is the place to do it. Theirs a chance she won’t get tired of it too fast.”

“I see, no children yet?”

Amarus never wanted to have children. Never wanted the responsibility of fucking up someone’s life. He always avoids talking about children.

“No. But how are yours? And Dante?”

“The kids great, Dante wonderful. Working his ass off. He took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend. Wanted to give me a weekend off. He’s great for that. That’s why I love him. He’s great.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Of course, I always promised to tell the truth, I always have.”

Dante took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend to give Sandra some space. She’s been feeling stuck again, stuck in her rut of life and every now and again she needs to just run away. Feel free again. Sandra never regrets her life that she has made for herself, it’s always been her dream to get married, have children, money, have a loving husband and to be able to work or not work as she pleased. But at times she wonders what her life could have been if she didn’t get married or have kids. Where would she be? Who would she be?

Dante trusted Sandra. It worried him that she had to run off to see Amarus every few years. It’s been six years since the last time she went off to visit. Once she got it out of her system she was okay again. Would be able to get back to her normal life again for a while. Still it worried him that he wasn’t able to give her everything she needed. But he loved her enough to trust her and give her want she needed to stay sane. And if seeing Amarus was part of what she needed, he would give it. He would pull down a star and hang it over her bed if she asked for it.

“I know you think I am crazy to be here again, at your door step again. But I had to.”

“I always said I would be here for you, and I will always mean it. Do you have a place to stay?”

“No, not yet. I am sure I can just pick a hotel and get a room for a night or two. There are hundreds to choose from around here.”

“I would invite you to stay but I can’t, it’s not exactly my place to invite you too, it’s Cleo’s.”

“I understand. And I understand if you want me to leave.”

“No, I like to see you. And I have been getting your letters. I read everyone once. Then I burn it.”

“Burn it?”

“Ha, yes burn it. You know how I am, read it once put it in my mind and whatever I happen to remember I remember. I let my mind remember what it will. I do not want to sit and read the letters over and over again. My mind will remember what’s important.”

“It just feels good to get it out. And sometimes writing for myself just isn’t enough. It’s nice to know someone is on the other end. That maybe someone understands me or wants to hear my thoughts. I like having someone so close to me but I don’t have to face everyday to explain what I am writing or why I feel the way I do. Does Cleo know I write?”

“She once saw a letter but did not ask much about it. We never spoke of it again.”

“I see. So what were you writing when I knocked on the door?”

Sandra asks this question with a small hope that he will answer. The hope comes from deep within her bones. All she wants to do is understand. Understand every thought that flows through his brain. Every feel that is felt that is unsaid. The truth. His truth. His pain.

“You know I will never answer that”

“Indeed I did. You know me, full of hope”

“You’ll never give up. What has it been? Almost twenty years now we have known each other? And still you ask the same questions. Still have that look of hope in your eyes that I will open up and explain everything. Tell you my secrets that have never been spoken.”

Amarus will hardly ever break or open up. But at times like these he wants to scream “I love you for that!” For being predictable. For being interested in him and what he thinks and feels. Cleo is so unpredictable, even hard to live with at times, and usually wants the world to revolve around her and what she wants, thinks and feels. She hardly every gives a minutes thought about what he is writing about, thinking about or even feeling. But these same traits are the reasons he loves her. She lets him stay to himself. He can leave without a question, and she can do the same.

For a slight moment Amarus misses Sandra’s skin. Misses being close to her. Kissing her.

Sandra longs for Amarus’s smell. She once again has it in her nose from being close to him during the moment when she hugged him. She knows he is grateful that she touched him. Knows the affect it will have on him. It’s a similar affect that the hug has on her. A single touch will send chills up their spine. It’s a chill that will rekindle their affection and will open their hearts up to each other again. They are always so close to one another yet so far away from each other.

Amarus and Sandra always said they were soul mates. They have been eternally etched in each other’s heart and soul since they were at the young age of seventeen. Though they were young they knew the truth and since then there was no erasing this.

“It’s good to see you”
”It’s always good to see you Amarus.”

beauty

So I visited this beautiful State Park today called Indian Island and it made me happy.

I love nature, water and taking pictures. I am thinking of visiting more parks soon-any takers??


:) So check out some of my work at www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com


thats all I have to say for today. thankyou.