puppy love

I just want to say that I bought myself a new little puppy for valentines day...and i've been in love since. <3 His name is Alfie and he is an 11 weeks old, male Shih Tzu. He is adorable but has been taking up most of my time since he is a baby. He's doing great though and is a perfect little doggy for me. :) I am all smiles but I hope that soon my time will free up and it will leave me more time to get back to reading, writing and taking pictures again.

I have two rolls of film to get developed so there will be pictures posted soon-and many of them will be of my puppy, for all the world to see!


:) *smile*

Water is beautiful in the winter

I took a little adventure ride today and found a few beautiful spots. I love days like this. Take a look if you'd like. WWW.AmandaAngevine.TextAmerica.com



When their are times you feel down light will shine through.

When you feel like you do not know which way to turn let fate guide you.

I also stopped by the Port Jeff Pet shop today and now I am completly in love with this little tan and white Shih Tuz if anyone wants to buy it for me and give me a home to live with it in. Mother won't let me have it in the house. But I am in love with it as well as the baby spaniels. Whaddya say?

knock knock on the heart.

This is something I started writing on Friday night. It is obviously not complete but I am thinking of finishing it. I am basically pretty nervous to be posting this. Scared of what people will think of it. But it means a lot to me and I would love feedback so please do.

Clack clack clack

“Cleo use your keys.”

Clack clack clack

“I don’t get why you won’t just use your keys, you know I’m writing.
Oh, Sandra. I’m…I’m sorry. I thought Cleo forgot something.”

“I’m sorry Amarus. I’m sorry I’m here. Sorry to bother you. How are you?”

“A bit shocked to be honest. Never thought I’d see you at my door again. But I’ve been breathing. Busy writing. Busy getting by.”

“Give me a hug, I’ve missed you!”

Cleo was having a hard time dragging her laundry down the block. The Laundromat wasn’t far, but the laundry had piled up in the last week and it was heavy for her to be carrying. Cleo never worried much though, she had a great big smile and wild eyes that made people, especially men, want to help her.

Cleo stopped and sighed taking a break from tugging her bag of laundry and by no surprise a man in his mid twenties stopped to ask her if she would like some help.

“Oh, how nice of you. I’m not going far but it would be so kind of you to help drag this to the Laundromat with me.”

He was hooked. Once again her laundry was carried to the Laundromat and she had company while waiting for her clothes to wash. She always looked forward to talking to someone new. She took the opportunity whenever she could.

“The second rinse just finished, I’m halfway done! Woo hoo! What about fourty minutes left for it to dry?”

“Yes, seems about right. Would you- well I actually didn’t get your name?”

“Cleo”

“Nice to meet you Cleo. My friends call me Brain.”
He smiles wide. He is handsome, nice smile, straight teeth, big eyes, but average, and average would never be her type. “While you wait for your laundry to dry would you like to go next store and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee?

“Sounds nice.” She smiles a smile that makes him melt. A smile that makes most men melt.

------------------------------------------------

Sandra has known Amarus for years though sometimes it feels like it has been lifetimes. They’ve always been close. Lovers in the past. But they haven’t seen each other in years. Six years to be exact. Which has also felt like lifetimes. Not only for Sandra but Amarus as well. Only he has a harder time admitting it.

“So how’s your Cleo? It’s nice to hear that you two are still living together and I assume going strong.” It breaks her heart to know this even though she wishes him nothing but happiness, which she knows he has. It is odd for him to still be in he same place with the same girl. He gets bored and tired of people and places pretty fast but since he is not it can only mean he is happy.

“She’s good, out doing some errands. She’ll be back soon. I’m actually surprised that you took a chance coming here, knocking on my door, taking a chance that she would answer it.”

“I know I took a chance. And hey look it worked out. ”

“Why are you here Sandra?”

“To see you. To visit New York. I miss it. I miss you. But I have to be honest I wasn’t sure if I’d still find you here, but I am happy that I did. You haven’t moved in a while which is unusual. Normally I have to hunt you down.”

“Nope I haven’t moved. Cleo wanted to stay. It’s unusual for her, but that’s how she is. Always up to something different. She wants to see what it is like to stay in one place for a while. Get to know our neighbors. Not run out on the bills for once. And she figures New York City is the place to do it. Theirs a chance she won’t get tired of it too fast.”

“I see, no children yet?”

Amarus never wanted to have children. Never wanted the responsibility of fucking up someone’s life. He always avoids talking about children.

“No. But how are yours? And Dante?”

“The kids great, Dante wonderful. Working his ass off. He took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend. Wanted to give me a weekend off. He’s great for that. That’s why I love him. He’s great.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Of course, I always promised to tell the truth, I always have.”

Dante took the kids up to Vermont for the weekend to give Sandra some space. She’s been feeling stuck again, stuck in her rut of life and every now and again she needs to just run away. Feel free again. Sandra never regrets her life that she has made for herself, it’s always been her dream to get married, have children, money, have a loving husband and to be able to work or not work as she pleased. But at times she wonders what her life could have been if she didn’t get married or have kids. Where would she be? Who would she be?

Dante trusted Sandra. It worried him that she had to run off to see Amarus every few years. It’s been six years since the last time she went off to visit. Once she got it out of her system she was okay again. Would be able to get back to her normal life again for a while. Still it worried him that he wasn’t able to give her everything she needed. But he loved her enough to trust her and give her want she needed to stay sane. And if seeing Amarus was part of what she needed, he would give it. He would pull down a star and hang it over her bed if she asked for it.

“I know you think I am crazy to be here again, at your door step again. But I had to.”

“I always said I would be here for you, and I will always mean it. Do you have a place to stay?”

“No, not yet. I am sure I can just pick a hotel and get a room for a night or two. There are hundreds to choose from around here.”

“I would invite you to stay but I can’t, it’s not exactly my place to invite you too, it’s Cleo’s.”

“I understand. And I understand if you want me to leave.”

“No, I like to see you. And I have been getting your letters. I read everyone once. Then I burn it.”

“Burn it?”

“Ha, yes burn it. You know how I am, read it once put it in my mind and whatever I happen to remember I remember. I let my mind remember what it will. I do not want to sit and read the letters over and over again. My mind will remember what’s important.”

“It just feels good to get it out. And sometimes writing for myself just isn’t enough. It’s nice to know someone is on the other end. That maybe someone understands me or wants to hear my thoughts. I like having someone so close to me but I don’t have to face everyday to explain what I am writing or why I feel the way I do. Does Cleo know I write?”

“She once saw a letter but did not ask much about it. We never spoke of it again.”

“I see. So what were you writing when I knocked on the door?”

Sandra asks this question with a small hope that he will answer. The hope comes from deep within her bones. All she wants to do is understand. Understand every thought that flows through his brain. Every feel that is felt that is unsaid. The truth. His truth. His pain.

“You know I will never answer that”

“Indeed I did. You know me, full of hope”

“You’ll never give up. What has it been? Almost twenty years now we have known each other? And still you ask the same questions. Still have that look of hope in your eyes that I will open up and explain everything. Tell you my secrets that have never been spoken.”

Amarus will hardly ever break or open up. But at times like these he wants to scream “I love you for that!” For being predictable. For being interested in him and what he thinks and feels. Cleo is so unpredictable, even hard to live with at times, and usually wants the world to revolve around her and what she wants, thinks and feels. She hardly every gives a minutes thought about what he is writing about, thinking about or even feeling. But these same traits are the reasons he loves her. She lets him stay to himself. He can leave without a question, and she can do the same.

For a slight moment Amarus misses Sandra’s skin. Misses being close to her. Kissing her.

Sandra longs for Amarus’s smell. She once again has it in her nose from being close to him during the moment when she hugged him. She knows he is grateful that she touched him. Knows the affect it will have on him. It’s a similar affect that the hug has on her. A single touch will send chills up their spine. It’s a chill that will rekindle their affection and will open their hearts up to each other again. They are always so close to one another yet so far away from each other.

Amarus and Sandra always said they were soul mates. They have been eternally etched in each other’s heart and soul since they were at the young age of seventeen. Though they were young they knew the truth and since then there was no erasing this.

“It’s good to see you”
”It’s always good to see you Amarus.”

beauty

So I visited this beautiful State Park today called Indian Island and it made me happy.

I love nature, water and taking pictures. I am thinking of visiting more parks soon-any takers??


:) So check out some of my work at www.amandaangevine.textamerica.com


thats all I have to say for today. thankyou.

i am suffocating and feel like i cannot breathe. My soul is crying and looking for an escape. People tell me that I should get over it, stay safe, what I feel is wrong. Who the fuck are you to tell me that what I want, feel is wrong?

You butt into my business. Force me to let you read letters that are addressed to me. You use me living here as a way to control me. "Give it to me or get out of MY HOUSE!" I am not allowed to have privacy. My opinions are yours. I am trapped and must ask permission if I want to go out. I am not a baby. On the opposite side I must baby you. You are not strong enough to handle truth. I must hold your hand, make final decisions and lead the way. I am twisted and turned. A play thing that does not want to be played. Give me my space. I see I must leave.

I may go back to school but before I settle in I must live a little. Get away, see a new place. Without any of you.

Love that seems true suffocates me too. I do not know how to express my feelings to you. I am afraid. Afraid I am fooling myself. Afraid of being unhappy in ten years. I have always been the one to tame others, you want to tame me. I do not think I am crazy enough to tame. Responsible and staight laced all my life- how am I to be tamer. I have an imagination which I enjoy. Do you want to laugh and throw rocks and kill that too? I am stupid and I want to learn. I want to see and feel. You are tamer then I and I do not know if this is good to me.

Routine is killing me. FUCK ROUTINE!!!!
I sit and smile and nod my head yes. I cry inside silently while my soul is slowly dying.

I know I might be following a dream. I might even be following something that will hurt me, did hurt me. Might be a lie. But through my eyes right now my mind is screaming who cares and get the fuck out of here!

It might be forever, it might be only a few days. I might come back changed or come back the same. Either way it is only what seems right. So I dream big.... so I may be screwed up. So what I am doing might be wrong? But who's to say so? Who's to know unless I try?

Please do not hate me. Please trust me and let me try.



I would say I am sorry, but I don't know if I really am.

is love?

is love saying it ten times a day? Does repeating it over and over again really enforce the love or is it trying to prove to yourself that you love somebody?

Maybe real love is unspoken?

meaning of life

I feel that there is a point to life. A reason why we are all here. What the point is exactly I do not yet know, but I know there is one. Life is not to be wasted. Nor to be taken too lightly or seriously.

I feel that life should contain productivity. A person should have goals, either short term or long term. People should use sleep as a means of recharging so that when they wake they can function to the fullest. Have clear open eyes to see the world through. Too many people abuse sleep and use it as a way to not deal with life. They miss so much sleeping it a way. It's a waste.

I like to have something to do each day. Whether it is to go to work to make some money, cook a delicious meal, take a walk, read another chapter in a book, write something meaningful, clean out a closest or get a few great shots while taking a drive. I like to know that my day hasn't gone to waste. I like to feel a sense of accomplishment.

Maybe it's me. I know maybe people feel differently about life. There are so many ways to live life. Who's to say that what I think is best other than me?

Love to the extreme. Feel. Feel all things good and bad. Open your heart knowing their is about 100% chance you'll be hurt and accept it. Say nice things and try to say less bad.

Be honest with yourself and other people. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Try to see the good in people. Try to see life through other peoples eyes. But know that they say what they mean and mean what they say-do not put your feeling onto them, because everybody is different and feels different things. Sees things in different ways.

Find connections and try not to loose them. There are very few people in life that you will find great connections with. Keep them.

Know that everything you come into contact with changes you-makes you who you are. Accept it, enjoy it. Be aware of it. Experience life to the fullest. Keep your eyes and heart open. Your head on. Enjoy it.







Because who knows what their is after death.

i live under a rock

I realize that I don't have much common knowledge. And most of the time I am unsure of what certain words mean when I am reading something and it bothers me. So recently I have been a big fan of my pocket thesaurus and my online dictionary. Sometimes it really pleases me to find out what certain words mean.

weird hobby huh? Well, I am trying to crawl out from under my rock. Sad and pathetic I know.




For example: Charm: it's a word commonly used and known. But the meaning of the word is so pleasing that I think people take for granted what a complement it is to be called charming.

the definition:
The power or quality of pleasing or delighting; attractiveness: a breezy tropical setting of great charm.
A particular quality that attracts; a delightful characteristic: A mischievous grin was among the child's many charms.
A small ornament, such as one worn on a bracelet.
An item worn for its supposed magical benefit, as in warding off evil; an amulet.
An action or formula thought to have magical power.
The chanting of a magic word or verse; incantation.
Physics. A quantum property of the charm quark whose conservation explains the absence of certain strange-particle decay modes and that accounts for the longevity of the J particle.

To attract or delight greatly: the simple elegance of the meal charmed the guests.
To induce by using strong personal attractiveness: charmed the guard into admitting them without invitations.
To cast or seem to cast a spell on; bewitch.

To be alluring or pleasing.
To function as an amulet or charm.
To use magic spells

annoyance

People annoy me. All types of people. Friends, old friends, people I hardly know, basically know and really know. Strangers I wait on. They all have a way of pushing my buttons.

More people annoyed me today then usual.

So, people are annoying and thats about all i have to say today. So thanks for your time :)

old stuff found

You only wish you could still love me
touch me
kiss me
be here for me
You can now only dream that I would still be here when you came back to your original home.
How long did you think I would wait?
How long would I long for happiness?
In your eyes I used to find peace-
Now they are just empty.
Good luck with your love
your kisses
and your touch
Enjoy your dreams and do not fret
I am happy.

stuck

So I am stuck. I am stuck in this pain. In this not knowing what to think or feel. I feel numb. Then all at once my feelings over power me. I sit, I cannot get anything done. I work and I sit here. There are moments of normalcy then I am alone again. Once again frozen.

I decided to try something new. I will force myself to get things done. To work a lot, to clean. I am going to start reading during all my free time that way I am wrapped up in another world, not my own. I will no longer cry myself to sleep at night, instead stay up all night and read or clean. If I read myself to sleep so that I will not be thinking about my life before bed.

Sad I feel like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could take advice and just let it be, not care, see what plays out- but I guess that just isn't me. I wish it could be.

And to be honest I have no clue of what I really want. I never truly had a relationship with him anyway. I'm the one dreaming that we can have a healthy relationship which never was. I never thought this would affect me in this way.

Pretending to be happy just isn't me anymore. I am tired of it- so this is the new true me. Do you like it?

am i crazy or deceived

is it all in my head or was it all a lie


i'll never know


this seems to be the theme of my life-- i feel this way about everything.

everythings a blurr.

goodbye 2005

So its about five and a half hours before it's a brand spanking new year. 2005 has brought a few good times and some bad. Well, a bunch of bad times. There has been a very few good things that have come. Right now off the top of my head I can distinctivly think of two good things, I am sure their are a minor few more. But all and all I have to say 2005 has been a pretty sad and depressing year for me. I am going to try look towards a happier new year. A new start. But I usually do not see it that way. Most of the time I am upset to end another year. Another chapter of my life closed, and theirs no stopping it. So I am trying to cheer up and look on the bright side, which I usually have a hard time doing. I am trying to believe that 2006 will be happier...or at least give me a few better times then 2005. Or maybe less sad times? Cause really can things really get much worse? yeah, i am sure they can.

So usually when the ball drops I start to cry, no, well hold back the tears because I don't want to look like a sap. This year I feel like sleeping through it and pretending it was just another day. But for once I have plans and I am going to try to be happy. Eh, I hope it works.


eh.



To a brighter future?

drive

Long drives=thinking

Driving is like therapy to me.








Today my thoughts during my drive made me sad. I dont want to be sad anymore.

pease respond-much needed help

I am planning on openning a coffee house with a small food menu in the very near future. Please if you are bored, know me, don't know me, or just feel like being nice and helpful during this holiday season answer me. It would be oh so helpful in openning a sucessful business. :)

Much love, MissManda


The question is:
if you were looking for a place to go for a cup of coffee and a small bit to eat.... where would you like to go? what would you want to eat? what time of day would it be? what would you want the atmosphere to be like?

Snow and Sun

Some things are better left unsaid. And sometimes it is better for me to be alone. There is always something that no one will understand.

When I am in a mood and nothing can take me out of it... I can't explain or talk. This hasn't happened in a while. Sitting on the floor crying wanting it to end. I can't explain because their is no real use. This hasn't happened in a while. But I will force it to pass- like I have in the past. What do you do when someone you love doesn't seem to love you? What do you do when all you have ever wanted is proven to never be? Lies and deception is never unnoticed to me. You lie, deny you are lying but know I know the truth. Why must you lie? Why are you lying?






You saw my silhouette in the window and called out my name. I was watching you I heard you pull in. You said "I love you" and I said "I love you too" fighting back the tears - my voice trembling. You heard it in my voice. "Will you come down here, let's talk"

You held my hand-kissed me-held me and I cried. I hate you and you know it. I love you more than life. But you know that too.







Lives funny game... you can do anything and I will be here.

wink and a smile

So I am trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit. It comes and goes, I like when it stays for a while.


Have you ever been so happy? Maybe. You have everything you always wanted- and now that you have it, you appreciate it but see you need more then just love to make you happy. What else would I ever need you say? To be happy in other area's in my life....

Which is what I plan on working on, starting now- but really focusing on it all beginning Jan. 1st. Ya know because that's the day everyone else starts their new goals. Which by the way they hardly ever get accomplished. But I am going to go all the way-make it to the top... Solo or with company- either way will do... so who's coming for the ride?


ha. did think so- things always look perfect from far away so when I am at the top looking down on all you people I will remember things aren't always as perfect as they look.

watching the maddness.

I was shopping for hours the other night, mostly against my will. I was bored and was looking for a way to entertain myself. So I found a way. Have you ever taken the time to watch people shop, especially around christmas time? It is hilarious to say the least. One woman standing in the same spot looking at a toy for at least fifteen minutes. Another walking around with a christmas list in her hand yelling out to her friend "I just can't believe my luck! They had everything on his list!!" Some people walk around aimlessly. Other's know exactly what they are going for.

There are two types of christmas shoppers. Ones that enjoy it, sing along with the christmas songs while they shop. Enjoy finding presents for the ones they love. These people don't mind emptying out their pockets of all their money to give a shirt, toy, or electronic to someone that will probably hate it and then return it.

Then there are those people that are just too funny to watch. The hate every moment of shopping. They don't have a clue what to buy, are stressed, and do not feel like spending all their money on someone that will never really like or enjoy what they get. The walk around with their face crunched up from stress. They look tired and annoyed.

There are women that have to drag their children along shopping with them. These kids just fight with their sibblings or say they want everything for themselves. The mother fighting with the child. "Don't you realize that Santa is coming in a few days!" "He buys you presents and you better be good or else you will wake up with nothing on Christmas!"

Holiday shopping can be so freaking fun.

I stare a blank stare

I feel numb. I drive and when I end up where I am going I can't remember how I got there. I cry at the most odd moments. I yearn to spend time with people but physically can't get myself to go out. I dis-like groups. I don't feel like laughing and do not feel like having people bugging me by trying to get me to cheer up. I am not happy the way I have been but I do not feel like being happy. I feel nothing. If I have a good time I feel guilty afterwords. There are so many terrible things to be upset about but still so much to be happy about. I go up and down, delirious. I don't want to be fixed. I am happy. I feel life so much but most do not understand what I feel or where it comes from.



What you care about means nothing. Only I matter.

No, I lied. I feel. I feel everything. I hide it. I stay strong for others. It hurts sometimes. But it's all good.




"It's Christmas!!" "Did you look outside? It's Christmas!!"

The little blonde boy began taking off his winter hat, coat, gloves and jacket. "Did you see it's Christmas outside!" Stomping his snow boots making the tiles wet with snow.

The first snow. I was happy to see someone was almost as excited about it as me, even though it was a five year old kid and only about an inch of snow. It was chilly but pretty outside and I knew the snow wouldn't last very long before it melted similar to the snow that fell off his boots and instantly began to melt on the floor.

It was warm inside and I gave him and his sister hot chocolate. I know them, I have waited on them before. His father annoying. Extra sweet to me, honey baby kind of stuff, sour to his wife. Sarcastic fellow. I never understood why she put up with it. It made me want to slap him in his face for her. Made me want to shout "You can do better! Leave him!" but I shut my mouth and smiled on.

He somewhat reminds me of my father. I cannot tell if he is just a little bit off or an alcoholic. I bet a little of both. She my mom. Takes care of the kids, puts up with his shit, shuts her mouth and carries on. I hate when I wait on families that give me a chilling feeling, reminding me about a childhood memory.

What matters

Time and relationships are all that matter in life.

Fancy cars, name brand clothes, ten million friends don't mean a thing. Doesn't anyone see? I am tired of people complaining that they are not happy with what they have. Things mean nothing. Do they not look around and see how lucky they are to have a loving family, people that want to spend time with them. People that will do anything for them, that care?

Okay I am getting off subject here, but time and relationships in life are all that really matter. Your time here on earth is valuable, and I believe a person should cherish every moment they have here on earth. Never take one second for granted. Relationships, real relationships not fake ones, are what make our life fulfilled. They are want make life worth living. If we did not have people that are close to us or care about us then what is life about? Empty space. Value your time, value friendship and value love.

Open your eyes sometimes. Open your heart. Give a little. Make your life worth something. Touch someone else's life. That's my goal at least, and it works for me.



Now for some Beatles:

Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need I discovered I'm in love with you
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you

I despise him...and I hope he knows it. He ruined so much. He ruined me. He always has from day one. I hear his voice, his lies, his sweet tone and I try to believe him, I want to believe him. I believe him. I have pitty on him, his screwed up life, his twisted brain, his addiction but no more. I have to be strong. He is an asshole and he puts me in a range. He puts the ones I love in danger. He puts me in danger. I hate him, but I'll always love him. This is the ironic part of it all.