goodbye 2005

So its about five and a half hours before it's a brand spanking new year. 2005 has brought a few good times and some bad. Well, a bunch of bad times. There has been a very few good things that have come. Right now off the top of my head I can distinctivly think of two good things, I am sure their are a minor few more. But all and all I have to say 2005 has been a pretty sad and depressing year for me. I am going to try look towards a happier new year. A new start. But I usually do not see it that way. Most of the time I am upset to end another year. Another chapter of my life closed, and theirs no stopping it. So I am trying to cheer up and look on the bright side, which I usually have a hard time doing. I am trying to believe that 2006 will be happier...or at least give me a few better times then 2005. Or maybe less sad times? Cause really can things really get much worse? yeah, i am sure they can.

So usually when the ball drops I start to cry, no, well hold back the tears because I don't want to look like a sap. This year I feel like sleeping through it and pretending it was just another day. But for once I have plans and I am going to try to be happy. Eh, I hope it works.


eh.



To a brighter future?

drive

Long drives=thinking

Driving is like therapy to me.








Today my thoughts during my drive made me sad. I dont want to be sad anymore.

pease respond-much needed help

I am planning on openning a coffee house with a small food menu in the very near future. Please if you are bored, know me, don't know me, or just feel like being nice and helpful during this holiday season answer me. It would be oh so helpful in openning a sucessful business. :)

Much love, MissManda


The question is:
if you were looking for a place to go for a cup of coffee and a small bit to eat.... where would you like to go? what would you want to eat? what time of day would it be? what would you want the atmosphere to be like?

Snow and Sun

Some things are better left unsaid. And sometimes it is better for me to be alone. There is always something that no one will understand.

When I am in a mood and nothing can take me out of it... I can't explain or talk. This hasn't happened in a while. Sitting on the floor crying wanting it to end. I can't explain because their is no real use. This hasn't happened in a while. But I will force it to pass- like I have in the past. What do you do when someone you love doesn't seem to love you? What do you do when all you have ever wanted is proven to never be? Lies and deception is never unnoticed to me. You lie, deny you are lying but know I know the truth. Why must you lie? Why are you lying?






You saw my silhouette in the window and called out my name. I was watching you I heard you pull in. You said "I love you" and I said "I love you too" fighting back the tears - my voice trembling. You heard it in my voice. "Will you come down here, let's talk"

You held my hand-kissed me-held me and I cried. I hate you and you know it. I love you more than life. But you know that too.







Lives funny game... you can do anything and I will be here.

wink and a smile

So I am trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit. It comes and goes, I like when it stays for a while.


Have you ever been so happy? Maybe. You have everything you always wanted- and now that you have it, you appreciate it but see you need more then just love to make you happy. What else would I ever need you say? To be happy in other area's in my life....

Which is what I plan on working on, starting now- but really focusing on it all beginning Jan. 1st. Ya know because that's the day everyone else starts their new goals. Which by the way they hardly ever get accomplished. But I am going to go all the way-make it to the top... Solo or with company- either way will do... so who's coming for the ride?


ha. did think so- things always look perfect from far away so when I am at the top looking down on all you people I will remember things aren't always as perfect as they look.

watching the maddness.

I was shopping for hours the other night, mostly against my will. I was bored and was looking for a way to entertain myself. So I found a way. Have you ever taken the time to watch people shop, especially around christmas time? It is hilarious to say the least. One woman standing in the same spot looking at a toy for at least fifteen minutes. Another walking around with a christmas list in her hand yelling out to her friend "I just can't believe my luck! They had everything on his list!!" Some people walk around aimlessly. Other's know exactly what they are going for.

There are two types of christmas shoppers. Ones that enjoy it, sing along with the christmas songs while they shop. Enjoy finding presents for the ones they love. These people don't mind emptying out their pockets of all their money to give a shirt, toy, or electronic to someone that will probably hate it and then return it.

Then there are those people that are just too funny to watch. The hate every moment of shopping. They don't have a clue what to buy, are stressed, and do not feel like spending all their money on someone that will never really like or enjoy what they get. The walk around with their face crunched up from stress. They look tired and annoyed.

There are women that have to drag their children along shopping with them. These kids just fight with their sibblings or say they want everything for themselves. The mother fighting with the child. "Don't you realize that Santa is coming in a few days!" "He buys you presents and you better be good or else you will wake up with nothing on Christmas!"

Holiday shopping can be so freaking fun.

I stare a blank stare

I feel numb. I drive and when I end up where I am going I can't remember how I got there. I cry at the most odd moments. I yearn to spend time with people but physically can't get myself to go out. I dis-like groups. I don't feel like laughing and do not feel like having people bugging me by trying to get me to cheer up. I am not happy the way I have been but I do not feel like being happy. I feel nothing. If I have a good time I feel guilty afterwords. There are so many terrible things to be upset about but still so much to be happy about. I go up and down, delirious. I don't want to be fixed. I am happy. I feel life so much but most do not understand what I feel or where it comes from.



What you care about means nothing. Only I matter.

No, I lied. I feel. I feel everything. I hide it. I stay strong for others. It hurts sometimes. But it's all good.




"It's Christmas!!" "Did you look outside? It's Christmas!!"

The little blonde boy began taking off his winter hat, coat, gloves and jacket. "Did you see it's Christmas outside!" Stomping his snow boots making the tiles wet with snow.

The first snow. I was happy to see someone was almost as excited about it as me, even though it was a five year old kid and only about an inch of snow. It was chilly but pretty outside and I knew the snow wouldn't last very long before it melted similar to the snow that fell off his boots and instantly began to melt on the floor.

It was warm inside and I gave him and his sister hot chocolate. I know them, I have waited on them before. His father annoying. Extra sweet to me, honey baby kind of stuff, sour to his wife. Sarcastic fellow. I never understood why she put up with it. It made me want to slap him in his face for her. Made me want to shout "You can do better! Leave him!" but I shut my mouth and smiled on.

He somewhat reminds me of my father. I cannot tell if he is just a little bit off or an alcoholic. I bet a little of both. She my mom. Takes care of the kids, puts up with his shit, shuts her mouth and carries on. I hate when I wait on families that give me a chilling feeling, reminding me about a childhood memory.

What matters

Time and relationships are all that matter in life.

Fancy cars, name brand clothes, ten million friends don't mean a thing. Doesn't anyone see? I am tired of people complaining that they are not happy with what they have. Things mean nothing. Do they not look around and see how lucky they are to have a loving family, people that want to spend time with them. People that will do anything for them, that care?

Okay I am getting off subject here, but time and relationships in life are all that really matter. Your time here on earth is valuable, and I believe a person should cherish every moment they have here on earth. Never take one second for granted. Relationships, real relationships not fake ones, are what make our life fulfilled. They are want make life worth living. If we did not have people that are close to us or care about us then what is life about? Empty space. Value your time, value friendship and value love.

Open your eyes sometimes. Open your heart. Give a little. Make your life worth something. Touch someone else's life. That's my goal at least, and it works for me.



Now for some Beatles:

Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me
If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see his face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you
Just to dance with you
It's everything I need I discovered I'm in love with you
'cause I'm happy just to dance with you

I despise him...and I hope he knows it. He ruined so much. He ruined me. He always has from day one. I hear his voice, his lies, his sweet tone and I try to believe him, I want to believe him. I believe him. I have pitty on him, his screwed up life, his twisted brain, his addiction but no more. I have to be strong. He is an asshole and he puts me in a range. He puts the ones I love in danger. He puts me in danger. I hate him, but I'll always love him. This is the ironic part of it all.

On Repeat

I am strong and I know it. When times are tough I will get through. I have this perfect amount of hardness but the softness still shows through. My past has brought me to my future. I can only believe in what is true. You can never truly believe what you see. I will never believe in anyone but me.


A recent favorit song: Colin Hay

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you


it's on repeat. It touches me heart because a huge glimpse of it is true.

I have had but one love.

December 1, 2005

I love when you hear a song that just connects with you. Or a really great album. I find it funny how there can be someone that you see everyday and hardly speak with or even give a second look and one day out of nowhere you are good friends. Or at least find out you have lots in common and then you cannot wait to talk to them again because you enjoyed them so much.

I love having big dreams, but knowing that I am capable of really making them come true, though it might take lots of work and effort. It makes me sad to know there are some people that you just love more then life itself but you just can't talk to everyday. Can't touch, hold or truly show love to because there is something there that just holds you back.

One day when I have enough strength and knowledge I hope to sort all this stuff out. Understand it all deeply. Smooth it all out.


It's not winter until December 21st.


I love my sissy. Happy 17th year on earth.

never wish for anything more

This is old. I found it while cleaning out my room. But I liked reading it, therefore I'll post it.

When I want to think about our love
or my love that is
all I have to do is think about
the day he feel asleep on the
couch with me in his arms
while I was
exploring him.
I can be frozen in that moment
in time forever
and never wish for anything more.

a love letter

I miss you. I no longer feel like sleeping. eh. Hope you are sleeping tight. I love you and miss you. And just wanted to tell you. I want to feel your warm body next to mine. I want to be home. Sometimes, when I have such a great night with you like I did tonight it knocks my socks off because I forget sometimes how easy it is with you. I hope you know how much I love you. Even though sometimes lately it kind of hurts for me to give or recieve love with all of this going on at my house (sometimes I realize it affects me more then I think when I really think about it). But I do love you. And I wish I could have it in me to show it to you more often.

Your love. and I love you.


love your babe

feeling something and its personal-but I choose to post like it's therapy to me.

No day but today but look to tomorrow

So I listened to Christmas music for about ten hours today. That's a lot of Christmas music. But I must say I enjoyed it. They started playing Christmas music three days before thanksgiving at my job. Today not only did I hear it for eight hours at work, but I have been listening to the Christmas music station in my car as well. I drove a lot today. It has put me in this happy go lucky, winter is coming, shopping mood. I sing to it. I smile. We all sing together, me and my co-workers that is. And it makes me feel close to them. We, me and my boyfriend, and it makes me feel close to him.

I had a great night tonight. It was nice to have such an enjoyable night after working five days straight. Now I get to have my big two days off- so much to do so little time. But I am looking forward to going into Manhattan on Wednesday. I miss it there. And I hope to have some time to go shooting, and that always puts a smile on my face.

So my friend is having some problems with her boyfriend. I gave her advice, it is so easy to give advice. Through the years sometimes I wish I listened to my own advice. She deserves the world. She is an amazing girl and I wish she knew this. I hope she realizes.

I hope she can see that you can only deal with so much. Some people have problems that are just too big for one person to solve. I do not mean give up, but just take a step back and let the person figure them out on there own. Do not let it set you back in your own happiness. Listen to me, what do I know, I am embarrassed about lots of things that have happened to me in my past. So I guess I can say I live from experience, but I have made so many mistakes that what are my words of wisdom worth? Everyone has to make their own decisions and then learn from them.

Nothing anyone can say right now can bring me down, no not even you, so just don't even bother trying. I am happy and no one else can be this good to me. There is no one else that deserves what I have to give.

"What a waste of unconditional love, on someone that doesn't care about that stuff"

Little Joys

Little joys are what I try to focus on these days
Sometimes thats all I have left
Simple pleasures
Rain, love, snow
Little Wonders
Feelings, crying, learning something new
With so much sadness and pain
When I am stuck in a rut or blue
This is all I have to fall back on
Something as effortless as a strangers smile
Or as innocent as a child's laugh
Can keep me feeling alive and new
A good song or a long drive
I want to be happy
I try to be happy
I have so much to be happy about
But things like a dead end job
a fight, a put down
Can ruin my day
And I have to fight to feel, to stay alive
So this is all I have left, and I guess all I need
So please little joys don't leave me.

Too tired to be creative

So here is something not from me today:


"To Days Of Inspiration, Playing Hookey, Making Something Out Of Nothing, The Need To Express - To Communicate, To Going Against The Grain, Going Insane, Going Mad

To Loving Tension, No Pension To More Than One Dimension, To Starving For Attention, Hating Convention, Hating Pretension, Not To Mention Of Course, Hating Dear Old Mom And Dad

To Riding Your Bike, Midday Past The Three Piece Suits- To Fruits - To No Absolutes- To Absolut - To Choice- To The Village Voice- To Any Passing Fad To Being An Us - For Once- Instead Of A Them-

To Hand-Crafted Beers Made In Local Breweries To Yoga, To Yogurt, To Rice And Beans And Cheese To Leather, To Dildos To Curry Vindaloo To Huevos Rancheros And Maya Angelou

Emotion Devotion, To Causing A Commotion, Creation, Vacation-Mucho Masturbation, Compassion, To Fashion, To Passion When It's New, To Sontag, To Sondheim, To Anything Taboo, Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham And Cage, Lenny Bruce, Langston Hughes, To The Stage

To Uta, To Buddha, Pablo Neruda, Too

Why Dorothy And Toto Went Over The Rainbow To Blow Off Auntie Em

Bisexuals, Trisexuals, Homo Sapiens Carcinogens, Hallucinogens, Men, Pee Wee Herman German Wine, Turpentine, Gertrude Stein Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa Carmina Burana

To Apathy, To Entropy, To Empathy, Ecstasy Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC To No Shame, Never Playing The Fame Game

To Marijuana! To Sodomy It's Between God And Me To S & M

To Dance! No Way To Make A Living, Masochism, Pain, Perfection, Muscle Spasm, Chiropractors, Short- Careers, Eating Disorders

Film- Adventure, Tedium, No Family, Boring Locations, Dark Rooms, Perfect Faces, Egos, Money, Hollywood And Sleaze

Music-Food Of Love, Emotion, Mathematics, Isolation, Rhythm, Feeling, Power, Harmony, And Heavy Competition

Anarchy-Revolution, Justice, Screaming For Solutions, Forcing Changes, Risk, And Danger Making Noise And Making Pleas

To Faggots, Lezzies, Dykes, Cross Dressers Too

To Me
To Me
To Me

To You, And You And You, You And You"

Life as I know it

I step out of my life and look back at it
I see a roller coster behind me
There are fast turns
gaping drops
at times there are no warnings.
I can see a drop coming
I have a moment to reflect as I make my way up
hear the cranking
I cringe, I freak, get a knot in my stomach
but there is no escaping the drop that is coming.
then there are those unexpected turns
I have no control, I have no choices
I go with the flow since I have no other option
So here I go back on my ride called life
really having no choices
no forewarnimg about whats around each turn
but back on I go
I buckle myslef down
close my eyes and grab hold
and think to myself "well here it goes"




fuck I hate rollercosters

Gray Power

Old people have something to say. I stopped smiling and nodding, stopped treating them like they all have Alzheimer's or are just old bags not able to function in the world today. I've done this for years having no use for them, but I have started valuing what they have to say. Asking questions. Having conversations with them.

I come across so many retired people in my community every day by waiting on them and I started to think, why am I not taking advantage of this? So I talk to them. I find out about where they are from, what they are like, and about their everyday life.

My two little old ladies that have English accent and wear home made sweaters. They are so sweet and nice to talk to. All of my regulars that I know their order by heart, they like to spend their time relaxing and reading. It makes such a difference to them when you stop and ask them what their book is about. They will then go on and on about their book, their children, their grandchildren, their belated husband or wife. You learn why they are alone. What happened to their family or friends. Sometimes my customers become friends and start talking to each other after seeing each other everyday. Eating alone, enjoying time with yourself is wonderful, but sometimes they are lonley. When I make their day by complementing the sweater they made or talking about the book they are reading, it makes me feel great.

I like to know what they have been through. Or their advice on life, love or careers. I value their opinions. What they think of the world, politics, and what they valued throughout life. I think about how I too will hopefully be their age one day. Full of knowledge and life experience. Latley when I have a bad day or I think things can't possible get any worse- I think about all of the things these people have been through in their 80 or 90 years of life. How many times have they thought "Can life get any worse then this?" "Maybe this time I won't be able to get through this." But they get through it. They survive.

I think about how easy it is to adapt to things in life. How quickly a person gets used to a new environment, a loss of a lover or a friend. How new people can come into your life so fast and how fast we can grow close to them. How fast things can change or be forgotten. Life goes on. Things change, people change, feelings are lost. A person's memory reminds them of the life they led. It's important to remember but their is a time to cut the memory loose and carry on. Most of the time a person will never get the feeling back again or may never come back into contact with a person like the one they loved again... but their will be other feelings to feel, other lovers to love, other friends to meet.

Their are so many chapters to life. Life is so long but it goes by so fast. Think of what it must feel like to be 90, looking back on 90 years of life. How accomplished a person must feel. Think about the regrets. One day I too want to be 90. Know their can still be 15 more years to go, but death could be around the corner any day. I want to feel it, remember the heartaches of life but also the little joys that I had. Everyday is a blessing and I will do all I can to be the best personI can be. I want to take in all I can from life and hopefully when I am 90 I will be satisfied.

I am writing this for me, not for you. So don't even think that for even one moment.

I used to write and stopped out of laziness. When I would write my thoughts would flow quicker then my hand was able to write and that pissed me off. I thought about tape recording my thoughts but that would mean saying them outloud and someone might have had the chance of hearing me. Plus thinking outloud sort of defeats the point of a thought, which is personal.

Also, I thought to myself, why waste my time? I'll never want to re-listen to my thoughts again. It's a one time thing. Think it, think about it then move on. So tape recording would be a waste of my time and money (tapes, tape recorder). But latley I have begun thinking a whole lot again and have decided that it might be self gratifying to start writing down my thoughts again, since some thoughts actually seem pretty significant. This time trying to slow down my thought process, clearly writing it and understanding it. Taking it all in. I'll give it a try, though I have no clue how long it will last.

So that is what this blog is about. Random thoughts-for me, by me. I haven't decided if I am going to share this with anyone else yet. Sometimes people need secrets of their own. A secret is something that can either keep a person sane or make them completley insane. So we'll see where this goes. If you happen to stumble upon this by all means enjoy it, I guess there is a reason I decided to post this on the internet.

(oh, and F.Y.I. all the images posted on here will be by me unless otherwise noted. So there's no taking credit for them buddy!)

breaking a habit

When I was a little girl I had this amazing ability to see good in some of the worst people.

Unfourtunatly I still have this ability.

I say unfourtunatly because recently I am tired of seeing good in people that do not exactly have much good inside. I put my feelings on people, I give them a warm heart, a conscience, a decent soul-some of which they do not possess.

I try to stop. You have to take people for what they show you they are. Look no futher. I guess I am a "searcher". I am slowly learning, but it's hard to break a habit that I've had since I can remember. And believe me, I remember a whole lot, back a long time.